I quit believing that suicide is a solution to my problems

Here is an oxymoron for ya. I am the happiest depressed person ever. Or the most depressed happy person?! Either/or.
But really! I am probably one of the happiest, funniest, goofiest person when we first meet or if we just meet once in a while in social settings. I crack jokes all the time, I am witty (not to toot my own horn, because I have no idea where these random one-liners come  from at all) sometimes I even crack myself up with the thought I have (it is a cool party on the inside for sure). People who don’t know me describe me as a positive, upbeat person with lots of energy and it is so easy to be around her because you can just be effortlessly yourself.

And all of this is true!

But that’s only one side of the coin.

The other one is much much darker. No, not on a sociopathic, serial killer level dark, but more on a “everything is fucked up, nothing makes any sense, this whole existence is pointless…and what’s even worse: I am a mistake! I shouldn’t even exist and everyone else around me would be so much better off without me being alive.”

And the worst part of the whole thing is that I truly, honestly believe these thoughts when they appear. Because they find the perfect setting for them to emerge and be believable to me.

I am not sure when my suicide attempts have started, but I was fairly young I remember. Yes, I didn’t have an ideal childhood (which is the case with most depressed people in general), my mother never really liked me, matter of fact despised me for looking and acting more like my dad, she could never understand me and my dad was an alcoholic artist who was mostly either passed out and locked us kids outside for days or was beating my mom because they argued. But again, this is not necessarily the most traumatic childhood either (gosh, why am I always downplaying the trauma of my past?!). Well, anyways, my mom did the best she could with the circumstances she had and with her own shit she brought from her own childhood, yet I still ended up traumatized, hurt, and messed up. Since I was little I didn’t like to be alive. I felt like I was tired of life yet I barely started it. In my teen years I remember feeling homesick constantly but I didn’t know towards what kinda “home” because it certainly wasn’t mine, that’s for sure. I have always longed for a tribe of people to belong to, to feel at home in and find my place in this world, yet my family has moved so much that I never had the chance to create this tribe around me….ever.

So here I am with this upbeat, fun and funny personality towards the world (and that’s just as legit as the dark one, don’t get me wrong) but then there is the deep, dark and scary side that hates herself, blames herself for everything and thinks that she is a curse for everyone around her.

I’ve done a lot of self-help shit, (not much success, only temporary) and done therapy some, with not much success either. I’ve done ayahuasca, because I knew the root cause is somewhere much deeper, and while it was eye-opening, it still didn’t solve my problem.  I used to fantasize about my death, contemplate about how to kill myself (I would not be brave enough to jump off of anything, because I know I would change my mind halfway down but that would be too late. Also wouldn’t wanna shoot myself because my aim is shitty, and with my luck I would only end up paralyzed but alive. Hanging myself would make me look very ugly to the one who finds me, and I am too vain for that. So overdosing is always the winning method) then I started wondering how many people would even find out about my death and show up to my funeral. And let’s be honest, I don’t think many would. Maybe my kids and my ex (since he would have to be the one organizing it…that poor guy :)))  and my mom and my brother if they could get over their current hurt (or relief) of me not talking to them, but other than that, I think I successfully alienated most of the other people in my life who I used to call friends, and now all I have is acquaintances who might not even find out about it, unless someone updates my Instagram account. But all jokes aside, dying always seemed like a relief to me, an escape from my current, unsolvable situation that my mind created so often. Maybe it is not as often as it used to be, because it only hits me once or twice a year these days, but when it rains, it pours! When my dark clouds gather, it is the ugliest storm ever. I feel trapped in my world, in my own thoughts, in my own life, in my own skin, and I want to get out of it. I want to run away, find a new identity, find a new ME, leave everything that’s Me behind me & find a relief from all these suffocating thoughts. But the funny thing is, wherever I go, I bring myself with me. I bring these thoughts with me. And no matter what I do, I will always feel guilty of any choices I make on a whim that’s rushed.

I just had a recent hit of this shitstorm lately, got into an argument with my mother & brother over some petty shit, that strike a cord with me and brought up some past traumas (that I thought I was over already, but was I wrong), and I decided that I don’t need family anymore. They are useless anyways. They have an attitude when I ask them to help out with the kids, they constantly criticize me for any choice I make, so what good does it do to me to have them in my life and always trying to help them in return (yes, I’m playing the victim card now, but there is a ton of truth in it as well…but I am aware that I am in a “woooo me” mode). So as I Xed my family out of the picture, and my ex asked me to let the kids go over to his place for Christmas, I decided that I will be completely alone this time. I was hurt. And on top of it all, all of my existing and non-existing friends decided to not contact me for more than a week as well (but they stalk every story I post on FB…hmmm) so I let that shit go as well.

I have no family. No friends. No nothing. All I have was ME! The painful truth. But again, isn’t that always the case anyways? No one can ever really connect with you on a level that would be satisfying anyways, so why do we even have this illusion that it is possible? We all live in our own universes, our own bubbles, and there is absolutely no cross over.

So there I was, just like Macaulay Culkin,  HOME ALONE for Christmas, and I had a  lot of time to think. Which is dangerous. My mind started going down the black rabbithole of me being a horrible mother (this thought is a gift I’m sure I got or inherited from my precious mother) and I started listing the reasons why my kids would be so much better of without me…and I almost got myself convinced. I can be so convincing, sometimes even I can’t resist my own charm). Then I started thinking about the method of exiting, and googled what kinda OTC pills would be able to do the job. Then I was wondering if after swallowing them, would I call someone to get me to the hospital in panic, or would I just ride it out and see what would happen?  Then I thought, shit, if the mission doesn’t end “well”, I could mess up my health and I would have to keep going with a messed up stomach, more acne and health issues on top of my own mental issues. Then I started thinking, “man, this whole Christmas suicide might not be the best idea because that would ruin Christmas for my kids for the rest of their lives most likely.”

So that’s when I gave up this whole self-pity party when I realized that nothing good would come out of it. I don’t know where I would end up after death, but you know what?! Sooner or later I will get to find out anyway. Eventually we all die. Sometimes I would like to speed up the process though, but I decided that I won’t. It will come. The right time and the natural timing of it will come eventually even if I want it or not. But until then, I stay alive. Even if I am sad, I hate life, I feel lonely and I am nowhere near where I “think” I should be…. I have only one thing to do. Stay alive until I can’t. Even if I sleep all day long, I’ll stay here. Even if I don’t see anyone for weeks, I will stay here. Even if I go through dark phases and lose hope in humanity and civilization, and people and anything possible, I’ll stay here until I’m taken out of the game. But it is NOT my call to decide when that time comes. I just find relief in the fact that it will come eventually.

And until then, I sit still, and I know that this is only temporary, like every storm. It comes, it rains, it destroys then it goes. It goes! It always goes away! Every depressing phase I had in my life went away if I gave it enough time. And the sun came out and I could find some joy in life again. Some happiness. Some hope.

And isn’t that what this whole life is all about? Experiencing both sides of the spectrum. The light and the dark. The heavy and the light. The bad and the good…and everything in between. We are here to explore the feelings, the thoughts, the calm and the storm.

And when it is all said and done, and there is nothing else left to learn, we move onto the next level in the game.

Most likely when I get my shit together and I start fully enjoying this human experience, that’s when my time will be up… it’s just my luck!



I quit giving a fitting title to this post, because I just realized something, yet I didn’t quit anything

I went to dance Zouk last night. The best dance of my life currently,  and my greatest addiction. And we learnt the technique of counterbalancing and the most important thing in that lesson we started with was self-awareness. Be aware of the space you take up, and then go find the center of it and get grounded in it. Once you know who you are, what you are and where there center is, the partner can enter into this grounded place   and then you both can find the center of that “we”. But it always starts with YOUR own center. You can’t skip that step no matter how much you want it. You can’t hope for an amazing (dance) partner to enter your life and get it going perfectly for you, because no matter how great the partner is, if YOU are not centered, if you are OFF balance, he won’t be able to do anything with you and the whole dance will look like a disaster. You can’t skip the work on yourself first. You have to get to know yourself intimately first. You have to find your center, your own self…and then guess what?! No matter who comes into your life, you will be able to dance the dance with them. With some it will be more pleasurable and flowy, and with others it will be harder, less enjoyable and fun, but you will always be able to stand your ground and be yourself no matter what life throws at you, because you are centered in YOURSELF, and not in others.

You have your own power!

Go inwards, find it, stand in it, be comfortable in it, and then let the dance partners come up to you and take you on many different journeys.

Enjoy the ride!



I quit thinking mediocrity is bad

I am so fed up with these self-improvement gurus and motivational speakers who hype up the room and play with people’s emotions just to make them feel like they are capable of achieving anything… just so they can crash when they go home a few days after the event and stay exactly where they were, but now much more depressed and full of self-loathing, because they weren’t able to achieve that they were so hyped up about. If all these self-help books, motivational speaking events and spiritual nonsensical modern wave of madness had worked, there wouldn’t be any sad, depressed and poor person left in America.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am spiritual (whatever that means for you) and I am constantly thinking about the meaning of life and the big picture and solutions to the non-existent problems (after all I am an ENFP, -if it means anything to you- I can’t help it). But this new wave of “spiritual hustler” mentality is getting under my skin, to be honest. You ask : WHY? 

Let me tell ya why!

All this magical sounding manifestations, law of attractions, create your dream board and match your resonance with it so that it will feel like it is your reality already, bla bla bla shit…. it all sounds like a modern day magic bed time story. Not that there is no truth to it, because it does matter what mentality we are living in, or what thoughts we believe (if for nothing else, it matters for you because thoughts can ruin or make your days fo shizzle) but my problem is mostly with the underlying message of it all. Which is that you are a NOBODY as of now, and you can not be happy as you are, because happiness is just out there, only a new job, new partner, new house, car  or a NEW YOU away. Go ahead, manifest the shit out of your dreams then you can live in forever la la land happily ever after. But guess what?! You are bringing the YOU that you are now into that manifestation, and if your feelings/thoughts about you are the same, then even with improved circumstances, you will still be tripping over the smallest problems, worrying about the future and sweating blood to manifest the next dream of yours, because that shit never stops. It’s all because of the hedonic treadmill theory. (The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.[1] According to this theory, as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness. -Wikipedia)

And you’ll trick yourself into thinking that the next big thing will bring you granted satisfaction, but it won’t. It will level you out to the same level of happiness you were before you achieved it. Meanwhile you keep thinking that you are not good enough the way you are, and it can’t be it, this present moment just cannot contain happiness that I am searching for so desperately. And we (falsely) believe that only on top will we be able to find satisfaction, happiness and joy. Where ever we are is definitely not the place where those qualities reside.  You need to expand, create, leave a dent in this world, make a difference, be a go- getter and praise the hustling, always want more and never stop, never give up attitude. Barf! Yuck! Even typing these words make me nauseous. We declare war on mediocrity as if it was the new plague people die of. But have you ever stopped thinking why mediocrity has such a bad reputation? And why is “money” and “prestige” the agreed upon measurement of happiness and the worth & value of a person??? Why is a person who has a mediocre job and capable of going on family vacation here and there, has a hobby, gets to see their kids and friends often and spend time with them is valued less and labeled as mediocre, but the CEO of a company or a corrupt doctor (not implying that all of them are, just picked an example) has such an enviable position, even though they barely see their families, their stress levels are through the roof, have insomnia, anxiety, ulcer and eventually die of a heart attack. How is this so desirable? Just because they have a few more zeros in their bank account than the previously mentioned person? But if you really think about it: who is enjoying life more? The everyday pleasures of living and each moment? Why do we frown upon someone who works as a barista or at McDonald’s saying they are lazy because they never got a higher education, yet someone who has many diplomas might be a whole lot more lost and depressed than these simple, “mediocre” people.

And when did “mediocre” turn into the new “awful”? Look, a mediocre lifestyle in the USA today means you have a job that supports you and your family, you have food on your table, a roof over your head, enough free time to do your hobbies and enjoy some entertainment as well. Do you know that the majority of the world would kill for this kinda “mediocre” lifestyle? Do you know that many starving, homeless people and terminally ill people think that your mediocre life is the bomb?! Why don’t we compare our situation to them, instead of the “oh-so-popular” social influencers these days, the Instagram models, or the top 1% wealthy people? Why is that we always compare up and become miserable, instead of compare “down” to the less fortunate, and feel grateful and content? Do you think just by being happy and content with what you have will stunt your growth, you will just become a couch potato and will be a useless member of society? I think it is quiet the opposite instead. Once you fully, whole- heartedly accept that whatever/ wherever you are at the moment is where you need to be now, and it is the perfect place for you to be, you will find the happiness you are hoping to get from manifesting your future dreams. You will stop stressing out about the pressure of the creation, the anxiety of control of everything having to be turning out the exact way you dreamed it up, and you will relax into the pressure free flow of life.

Don’t worry, you will not be stuck. One thing that’s certain is that the only constant thing in life is change. Change is inevitable. New thoughts, ideas will come to you and you will either follow them or not. But the pressure of manifesting them (no matter what) will disappear and you will be more at a natural rhythm with life, instead of opposing it, because you think you know what would make you happy. And while creation, expression, and expansion is important and definitely a major part of our human life, it is not the only thing, and definitely not sustainable to ALWAYS go at this direction. You can only blow up a balloon so big before it pops. You can only inhale for so long before you have to exhale. You can only create so much, but if  you don’t stop to smell the roses and take it all in, you will soon not be able to create anymore, because life and your body will force you to experience the opposite side as well.
Everything is in balance. It has to be. That’s why it bugs me when these new teachers and gurus only focus on pushing yourself to new limits, dream big, be bigger and better than you ever were. What is this constant race with others and ourselves? Why are we constantly pressuring ourselves and others to be something else than we are at the moment? Why do we have this mentality that whatever we are in this very moment is “NOT GOOD ENOUGH”? Why can’t we look at our lives and praise ourselves for what we have already achieved (we grew up, we birthed kids, we kept them alive, we cleaned the toilet today, we didn’t yell at our coworker today, we didn’t send a hateful text back to someone even though they so deserved it) instead of conveniently just overlooking everything we are and have been and keep our focus on the horizon (that can never be reached)??? Why can’t we just be content with our lives as it is? Why does even just the idea of it make people so scared in this modern world? Look at the indigenous people. Look at what we were back then when we were still sane, and not wrapped up in this modern fairy tale story of money and status. Did they lose sleep over what next position they should apply for? What kinda next leather dress they want to create out of the mammoth they kill? Heck no. They did what they had to do, whatever life brought them to do. They hunted, gathered, carried water, and then once the basic essentials were provided, they gathered together for the rest of the day and f@cking danced, told stories, laughed, ate together, enjoyed life, did some shamanic journeys, used some psychedelic help and were tripping all night until the morning. (OK, I just made that up, I’m sure that didn’t happen every night). See what I mean? We, humans and animals, are meant to enjoy life for the majority of the day, not constantly stressing out about everything, how to get “ahead” in life (ahead of what or who anyways?!) and how to become somebody, and how to achieve more, be more, do more.

That’s where all the mental noise is coming from, all the anxiety, the confusion, the sickness manifests in our bodies, because we believed these programmings, that our parents and society coded into us. That we HAVE TO become somebody (as if we were nobodies as of now), we have to make a dent in this world (but I bet you don’t tell it to every person that passes by your car to make a dent in it…then why would you encourage every idiot to make a dent in this precious world, when it is already messed up as it is?!). All that excessive thinking, that unnecessary mental noise that’s causing so much suffering already, and never provided any solutions. How could it? You can’t solve a problem the same way you created it.

That’s why I say that instead of obsessing about the next “right” step, or how to make more money, how to become a somebody, how to achieve your goals, how to push yourself more than ever before, try relaxing a bit. Try accepting everything in the moment AS. IT. IS! No changes, no exceptions, no “yes, but...”s, no maybe laters. Yourself and the world as it is in the moment! 100%. Because when you argue with reality, you lose, but only a 100%..as Byron Katie said so elegantly 🙂 And yet, it doesn’t mean that you will sit on the sofa stoned out of your mind forever. But you will be at peace with your life as it is in the moment. You will be happy with it in the moment. And the next moment if a good idea comes and you feel like following it, do it. If no idea comes and just the silence and the bliss, then enjoy it until it lasts. Either way, change will come, things will be done, but you don’t have to drive yourself crazy on the inside while it’s happening. Accept it and love it, just like you do it with every present moment. I find that this is the key to happiness. Not the achieving bullshit that we all have been sold.


“The woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those who sang the best.”
― John James Audubon

How I quit trying to explain everything with my rational mind

To be honest, I just need a platform to record my 6th ayahuasca experience that I had just recently. If you don’t know what Ayahuasca is, I won’t go into details, you’ll find lots of information on it online, but the short explanation is that it is an Amazonian tea/brew that is made of 2 specific vines, and contains DMT and some other things that help your body digest it and process it, instead of just eliminating it. Basically it is a psychedelic drink that is not so pleasant tasting and the effects are definitely not party enhancers, because even though you’ll see  many out of this world, colorful and mindblowing visuals and you’ll feel things in your body that you’ve never felt before…you will most likely cry a shit ton, and vomit like an erupting volcano. So this is not some kinda party drug like ecstasy or LSD, but a healing substance that dives deep down into your subconscious, digs up things that you didn’t even know you buried there, makes you face your dark sides and helps you heal from it with lots of love and kindness. Mother Ayahuasca lives in this plant and while it is loving, and often times gentle with you, she is also a tough love kinda mother, who knows what’s best for you and will help you walk through it for your own good.


It’s been a while since I’ve last encountered her, so I thought it was time to pay her another visit and get my healing on. I’m not new to this, so I kinda knew what to expect, but I was also aware that you can never know what’s about to hit you. So I went in with an open heart and mind and what happened was definitely more than what I bargained for.  Generally speaking I also cry some then I also laugh some as well at ceremonies,  and maybe at the end or the very beginning I throw up a little, but it is always a controllable, doable, lady-like amount, nothing major.

This time I went into the ceremony with a headache. Oh, well, I was hoping once the medicine starts working its magic, it will go away. And it sure did. The shaman brought us our drinks and I drank it and I was waiting for it to kick in. It was quick. 30 min into it I felt my whole body buzzing. It started with my head as the medicine poured through my veins all over my neck and head and it started tingling and buzzing like an electrical current. It took away my headache, then it continued effecting me throughout my whole body. The feeling was familiar, and I enjoyed knowing that the medicine has started its work in me. But the nausea was getting stronger and stronger, so I got up like a lady and went to the bathroom and I threw up the dark substance I ingested an hour ago. I went back to my bed as if I had done my part well and ready for the ride. The first song came on and it quickly teleported me into heaven. It was truly magical, the feeling and the visuals, but what was even more amazing is that I felt like I have left my body somewhere behind, all the stories and personalities that belonged to “me”, and even my breathing has stopped, or so I felt like, and I experienced the truly blissful, thoughtless, quiet and effortless being….would wanna say “state of mind” but there was no mind there….there was nothing there….the beautiful nothing. Just light. And no movement, just calm peace. It was heaven. I didn’t want to leave. And then a shaman asked me if I was in the medicine and I wished he hadn’t interrupted my blissful experience and didn’t bring me back to this body and talking and all that humanly nonsense. The second song came on (which was a native american drumming wisdom song as it turned out) but all I felt was darkness creeping up through my feet and washed over my entire body and I started breathing heavily, yawning, my body was heavy, it was dark, painful, cold and I didn’t want to be there. It was so bad. I felt like I was up in heaven and fell down to hell in a matter of seconds. I was wrestling with my thoughts, I wanted to make sense of it all  without any success, and all I wanted was to make it stop. I didn’t like it one bit. I felt so lonely, so lost and cold, and all I wanted was some warmth and light. When it ended, I told the shaman that it was a rough change and I would like to go back to heaven because this was just too heavy. My nausea has gotten stronger, and my friend told me to puke into the bucket, to which I quickly replied: That’s bullshit, only weak people throw up in buckets, that’s not my style. 🙂


Then I lied back to my blanket and as the next song came on, something from within moved me and in the next moment I found myself head down in the bucket throwing up like no one’s business. (and the worst part is: my hair wasn’t tied back). Then I started giggling to myself while I was puking my guts out that maybe I shouldn’t make such cocky and stupid sentences anymore, because Mother will teach me the lesson. 🙂 I threw up more than I ever have, and it was so bad. I was not feeling good physically at all. I knew I was in a safe environment and they didn’t mind, but I was losing control of my senses, my motor skills, my body. Just a lot of purging that was happening, and then I even lost the bucket in the middle of a song and I felt so bad about pouring out my vomit. But I couldn’t control it. Thankfully the shaman is so great, and reassuring and said that it is all OK, and don’t worry about it, it is cleansing me and doing its job, and just attended to me as best as he could. He brought me tissues and let me lay down on his lap while he was grounding me and calming me down. I kept saying that I am so tired of being a human, and this human existence is too much for me, and I need a break from it. Somehow I always need a lot of human touch when I am on ayahuasca.  I am always highly aware of how much I am deprived of a human touch and how much my body is craving it. Then the songs were taking me to all kinds of places and the whole time my mind was arguing with itself. It felt like there was this side of the mind that was so explosive, and grand and amazingly happy in this outer world that has no rules, no structure, no rational explanation, and it enjoyed itself there….and then came the left side of my brain, felt like my EGO, constantly popping back online and looking around and asking questions like: “What the hell is this? How is this possible? Is this real life? What’s the explanation to this? I am so out of place and even though I am trying my best to make some sense of it all, I can’t and it makes me feel so freaking lost.”

And I felt that that was my whole life portrayed to me right there and then. The constant struggle of just going with the flow of life, enjoying its bliss and not trying to explain it all, just being part of it …. AND….. the other part of me that wants to always explain everything, make sense of everything, rationalize everything and put things into little boxes and drawers. But you can’t!!!!! Life is so much bigger and more mysterious than we will ever know or be able to comprehend. Life is a beautiful, magical happening that no one has ever been able to understand, let alone put it into words. I realized how grandiose life is, and words reduce every experience into such small spectrum that it is not even close to the real thing anymore. Like when I told the shaman at the end of the ceremony how much I appreciated him and how thankful I was for him and his service….those words were nowhere near to the feeling that was inside of me. The erupting gratitude towards him inside of my heart and my whole body. These things can not be reduced into words.

So while I was struggling on the couch with the two sides of my brain (again, who the hell was the “I” that was struggling?!?!!!? It’s more like I was aware of the struggle that was going on inside of me, but when I looked inside for answers, I just couldn’t find a “ME” in there who would provide these answers. There was no “me” in it) I decided to go into my bed in the room and continue my crying there. I cried over the fact that the side of me that was always trying to make sense of things was defeated and had to surrender, but surrender didn’t come easy. I had to mourn it all. And I was COLD. SOOOOOOO cold, nothing could warm me up. I kept telling the shaman that I wish he brought some fire inside of the room, because I need fire. Then I asked for his hands, and I laid my head on his hand, so that I could comfort myself with it. It helped. I calmed down. I had many blankets and comforters on me, but I was cold on the inside. I knew no amount of blankets will do the job, because it was coming from within. I was restless. I was beating myself up for everything. For over analyzing things, for not being able to relax, for being just like my daughter even though I always scold her for her excess energies and restlessness, and for every possible thing… I was so hard on myself. And bitter. And that’s when the shaman told me: “Just relax. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are only human. You are doing the best you can. Just relax.”

And it clicked. He left the room and went back to music making and I started petting my face, my hair and showing gratitude and gentle kindness towards myself. I told myself that I loved myself, and I was doing OK,( I had smooth hair, I noticed) and whatever happens, happens, just surrender to it and don’t be so hard on yourself. Just love yourself, no more beating yourself up for not understanding something that was not meant to be understood. I’m only human (as of now) and these are my natural boundaries, learn to accept them and surrender to the unknown, meanwhile just LOVE this person I call me, don’t be so against it and so hard on it.

And I did it! I surrendered to whatever it is, to life, to the flow, to the mystical, to the unknown, to myself, and I gave up the fight.

As soon as I did that, I felt warmth entering my body through my feet (just like I felt the darkness initially through my feet as well at the beginning) and it washed over my whole body and lit a fire inside of my heart. I was on fire. I was so hot in a matter of seconds, I started sweating. The excruciating coldness I was battling for hours was gone, and instead I had the fire (that I was craving and searching for) inside of me. I have found it finally!!!!! I kept looking for it on the outside, but it had to be born on the inside instead. So with this renewed fire on the inside I left my bed,and I felt ready to join the outside world and the music. I felt so great out there, warm and toasty and calm and quiet.

The ceremony soon was about to end and I was ready. I went full circle with all the purging, cleansing, crying (oh, sooooo much crying) and surrendering just to find the fire inside of me that I have always been searching for. Then as soon as I went outside, there it was: the fire in the fireplace that I thought I was looking for. Thank God I didn’t find it earlier, because now I know that I didn’t need it at all. I had it inside of me and it will last much longer than any outside fire ever could.

She survived because the fire inside her burned brighter than the fire around her

I don’t know what it all means. I don’t know if I should interpret this experience in any way or not, but what I know is that since then I have been feeling much lighter, cleaner, more at peace with life and feeling more love inside of me towards everything that surrounds me. And it is good. I don’t have to understand it in order to feel it. And I need to feel more,(MUCH MORE!)1_KVuFdUyRPNtfAM2nDwUQ3w and think less. MUCH LESS!

I quit rationalizing myself out of feelings

Today I had an “almost meltdown”. I am very familiar with full on meltdowns, but the “almost” ones are new.  I felt it coming thought. I felt it brewing in my brain for days. I kinda feel like I have been cursed, or someone put a spell on me, or a bad juju got attached to me, or whatever the heck people say when they come up with some “rational” explanation of WHY things have been going so batshit crazy lately. So there you have it, this is my reasonable explanation to my strain of bad luck in the last few months, and I am sticking to it 🙂

Today was especially wacky. Last night I went out with “friends” (it is a loose term to describe the majority of the group of people that I’ve never met, nor am I planning on meeting again) and someone got shit faced so badly that she completely lost her mind and acted like a possessed person. I thought, “damn, I wonder what kinda beast would surface out of me if I were in her shoes.” Then I woke up this morning and went over to my mom’s place to pick up the kids, and my mom was exhausted from them. I don’t blame her, she never really had a good grip on us, or them, and they can be a handful if they are not under some strict hands. So I took them home, and while I was driving, it was dead silent in the car. IN the car! Inside of my head it was madhouse. So I sat back and I watched all the thoughts that were bouncing up and down, screaming and yelling at me to grab my attention and make me believe whatever they wanted me to believe. It was like Chuck E. Cheese on a Sunday with 5 birthday parties.

So I dropped my free range kids off at the playground and let them graze on some swings and bark chips, while I was crazy busy word vomiting onto my close friends phone. I told myself “Go for it, give it your best shot, shut down all the filters and whatever comes up, unleash that beast and put it into writing.” And I didn’t even warn her what was about to hit her 🙂 Just BAMMMM!!!! Here it is, my thought diarrhea, deal with it.

I hate people! I hate my family. I hate the fact that I have kids. I hate managing people’s lives and I have having responsibility. I hate spirituality and the added pressure it puts on people to live up to their full potential, not just make money for survival, but LOVE what they are doing, otherwise no matter how great their lives are, they are still considered a failure, because they are working for someone or because they are not doing what they came here to do. Everything is fucking made up, and nothing makes any sense. We are spinning around in the infinite black, cold vast darkness on a tiny little blue marble in the endless universe and we – LITTLE insignificant humans- dare to have to courage to lecture other people on how they are supposed to live their eye blinking amount of time that’s been rendered to us on this planet. What if someone just lives and works the ground and dies? What if someone is the CEO of a company? What if someone is sick when they are little and die? Is any human life is less or more because of their “achievement”???? Because what “we” in this culture deem worthy and admirable? Bullshit!!!! That we are special and we are for a reason is a bullshit lie. This human experience is a fluke. We are not that powerful to change anything and even if we were, look at all the man made changes we have accomplished…. how great it all turned out?! We are all killing our planet and each other with all these “achievements” that we admire so greatly. I hate humans, I hate myself too, and I hate the personalities we all have. The greediness, the competition, the one- upmanship,  the fakeness of social media, and I hate that people feel the need to tell others how to become someone other than what they already are. Do you think life will be that much better when we change? I hate that there is always a bullet to dodge in life, there’s never a break. When you solve one problem, and you think life will be so much better after that, here comes another bullet ready to bite you in the ass. I wish I could just run away, far from civilization, from my thoughts, my life, my persona, my problems, and not have to deal with anything for a while. Just live. Just exist. Or not even that. Just not be. We are so isolated already as a civilization, everyone is lonely, everyone is faking things and pretending things as if they got it all figured out…and in reality, barely anyone lifts their heads out of the daily grind and looks around and asks the question: “What the fuck are we doing in this biodegradable time/space flesh suit that we are all so trapped in??????”

Yep! That was my Sunday morning sermon and contemplation after battling my own explosive thoughts and emotions that morning.

Thankfully she is mature enough to not take me seriously, and let it all just roll off of her. She asked me in the middle of my rant if I needed to talk on the phone, but I told her not to interrupt me now, I am happily busy unleashing all this nonsense in writing, and then I will be done with it 🙂 (because sometimes a journal is just not enough,  you need to have a human witness to your madness to realize what big of an asshole you can be)

So I dumped all that negative madness onto her, and then I felt exactly how I would feel after a good vomit session: 10 lbs lighter, less nauseous,  bit ashamed with a lingering bad taste in my mouth 🙂

But seriously, it helped so much! I didn’t need an advice, I didn’t need help, counseling, preaching or anything….just a safe space to unleash all this pent up energy, accumulated thoughts and ideas and get rid of them. Once I did it, she empathized with me, she could relate to it (that also helped me not feel all alone in this madhouse) and then as my cloud that blinded me started to disappear from my vision, I could see the opposites of what I just bitched about, too.

I could see that my kids are actually funny, smart and loving and I am the luckiest person to have them in my life. I could see that I am also thankful for my family as well, that they are here with me, and that I don’t have to carry their problems, and it is not my duty to sort out their thoughts for them. I could also see that I don’t hate humans (at least not on a consistent basis, only occasionally 🙂 ) and that this human being is not only about suffering but it consists many fun, joyful and fun moments as well, that are worth living for.

So there you have it! Both exist and both are EQUALLY true in my life. Life is a paradox and I am done denying one or the other from now on. If the negative wants to surface, then let them come. I will hear them out, give them space, empathize with those thoughts, but won’t take them seriously. They will pass. Bad news is:  so will the good ones!

I quit playing it safe

I have a confession. I have a tendency to always choose the safe option. When I was 14 years old and had to choose a high school to apply for (back at home you had to take a test to get into the better schools, you couldn’t just go based on your grades) I REALLY wanted to go to the one that was teaching every subject in English and it was a hard one, but it really excited me. Then the fear of failing to be accepted, and the humiliation that would follow it (only to be humiliated in front of myself, because truly, no one gave a damn if I got in or not) I chose to go to a very lame high school, where I knew for sure that I would get in without even lifting a finger. Yes, I was bored out of my mind there for 4 years, and I didn’t learn much at all (because it was a weak school) but it was safe, and I got in and it helped me avoid the fear of humiliation and that’s all I care about. Then came the men in my life. Yes, I have been into good looking and popular guys at the very beginning, when my hormones started to hijack my mind, but I quickly learnt the lesson that these guys are unreliable players and won’t stay faithful to me (or anyone else) plus I didn’t  really stand a chance to even score one, to begin with ..but in case I still did, it wouldn’t last long anyway. So in order to protect myself from humiliation again, I learnt to be attracted to the less fortunate looking, loyal guys with a good job. They were the safe options. And I always played it safe. I guess there could be many reasons to this false belief, misconception I bought into, but I never really spent enough time, energy, thought (or psychedelics) to contemplate this question yet.

So recently a guy came into my life. Boy, was I NOT sold from the very beginning. I felt zero chemistry with him, I was not really entertained by our conversations either, I felt like we were speaking in completely different time zones, our humor never matched (the worst :)) and sex was at best a mediocre one. But what worked for him is that he seemed to be into me, was starting to take this whole dating thing seriously with me, and seemed to be a loyal one with a good job and a good body. Oh, and one other thing worked for him: he was a cozy cuddler. He felt like a comfy sofa to me. And that’s when it hit me: “holy shithole, I am dating my ex husband all over again, but this time in a black packaging.”

I noticed that every cell in my body was screaming “GET OUT QUICK” yet my logical, reasonable mind was saying: “Just give him another chance, you might be wrong, your intuition could be off, maybe you won’t find anyone better and he is SAFE for you.”

There you go again, the biggest temptation of my life: SAFETY. ME, who thought was brave, spontaneous, adventurous and exciting, I gravitated towards safety when it came to relationships. But somehow I managed to get the courage and tell him that I”m gonna go on other dates, we are not dating yet and the 3 most important things that matter in my life are not present in our relationship, so let’s not wait around for each other. This conversation landed somehow completely different on his ears, because as it turns out, he went home thinking we just learnt a bit more about each other, and now we will put more effort into making it work. (GO FIGURE…again, our conversations never really happened in the same universe, as you can tell.)
The next day I scheduled 2 dates for myself. I didn’t really care at all about either one of them, didn’t even know their names, and I didn’t even shower….yes, that’s how much I didn’t give a rats ass about it all. But I didn’t want to be with the wrong guy anymore, so I did what I knew best: going on first dates (gosh, I could write a book about my 50 first dates 🙂 ).
I planned on eating lunch with this boy, then paying for it myself and going home to get ready for the next one. But somehow life had a different plan all along. He showed up, he was cute…handsome and gorgeous….but young, damn it, 5 yrs younger than me. I never dated younger ones because they just never seemed mature enough for me. But this boy was so wise. So smart, and so kind. Polite, funny, considerate, non-judgmental, level -headed and have I mentioned yet???: beautiful!!!! I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And the more we talked, the more we realized that we were exactly the same in EVERY. SINGLE. WAY…but in opposite gendered bodies. We were so similar that it is not even funny. At this point I still didn’t think much of him and wasn’t gonna move this date any forward, because I quit having sex on first days a while ago and I didn’t really want to be intimate with him (I mentioned that I didn’t shower, right?! :))) But after lunch we went for coffee, and talked and talked and talked some more, then we went to the movies (we kissed throughout the whole movie like dumb teenagers) and before I knew it, I spent the whole day with him. Then I had to go on a meeting and also on my second date, but since that turned out so boring, I got up early and I said goodnight, called my little boytoy, picked him up and brought him home, finally showered (!!!) and had mindblowing sex with him all night (and morning).

When I told my friend (who happened to be one of the best psychotherapist ever) the whole story, and how much this boytoy is out of my comfort zone of what I am used to and feel safe in, she encouraged me to continue this relationship.
Why is he so out of your comfort zone when he sounds so dreamy?” you might ask.
Well, sweetheart, because of 3 reasons. 1) He is Indian (dot, not feather…and if you know me, I am not racist, but I have NEVER been attracted to Indians. So much so, that I have never ever found one that was somewhat good looking and sexy for me even after 5 shots of fireballs and 5 glasses of tequila.) And I was dumping a black guy for an Indian (again, if you know me, I think black men are just gods walking in a human form on this Earth)..and yes, he has an accent…but not as bad as most of them though. I can understand him for the most part. Oh, man, it came out so stereotypical and judgmental, but these are my honest feelings, I can’t sugarcoat it.
2) he is younger than me, which is my own NO NO (for me, not for others) and have I mentioned how beautiful he was?! Gorgeous! Handsome! Can’t take my eyes off of him pretty.  And that equally unstable grounds, run as far as you can back into the arms of a safe and boring man.
3) he is just like me, which in many ways amazing and I love  him for it. BUT!!!! He has commitment issues just like me, and not a relationship type, loyal, monogamous person AKA totally unsafe choice. Just like I am for any other man.
But I have never felt so amazing during sex with almost anyone else before. There was another (also unsafe guy in my life, who rocked my world in bed and I thought no one could ever come close to him….well, this kid did it! He is right there on that level and it is amazing!!! He is so loving in bed, so thoughtful, so gentle and so rough, he is everything I need and more)…but he is not guaranteed for the long run! He is here for a good time, not for a long time.

But when you really think about it, who and what is ever guaranteed in this life? Just because someone utters all these fancy vows at the wedding, does it mean it guarantees their forever love and comfort until you both die together in each others arms!? If that was the case, 50% of  marriages wouldn’t end up in divorce. And just because someone says they are not a committing type and they don’t wanna fall in love and be with one person only, it doesn’t mean it will never happen either. (Maybe not with me, but it can still happen…life goes its own way, it doesn’t ask our opinion about it anyway). So whatever we say or think or do is not permanent, and making decisions in the moment based on safety will only prevent ourselves from all the great love, fun and blessings that are behind the walls of fear.

So I promised my friend that from now on, I will always choose the direction that scares me the most. No matter what it is, whenever I come to a fork in the road, and I need to make a decision, I will not go towards safety anymore, but I will embrace my fears and face them head on. Let’s see what’s on the other side. Let’s see what’s the big deal about them all. Let’s meet the old man behind the curtain and tell him he has no power over me anymore. I am ready. I am done sitting on the side benches, watching the game but never participating in it because of fear of humiliation, failure, pain. You know what?! It is part of life, just like happiness, fun, excitement and pleasure. Bring them all on! I am ready to face fear…even if I end up with bruises all over my body and heart, humiliated, laughed at and shitting my pants while I do it…I’m ready. I am tired of never trying and failing a 100% than giving things a chance and maybe,just maybe giving them a chance to surprise me at the end.

I quit social media

Ok, this sounded a tad more dramatic than it  really is in real life (just like everything else in social media 🙂 ) but it is true …. well, partially. (just to stay true to the social media theme over here 🙂 )

It’s a known fact that we spend hours and hours of our days on our “smart” phones while they are “dumbing” us down. (this might just be part of the a secret plan of the AI’s before they come to full consciousness and can rule over us 🙂 ) Anyways, focus, my Queen, focus!


So I noticed how much time I spent on my phone from the first moment I open my eyes….actually, I don’t even open my eyes yet, and my phone is in my hands, HELPING me be able to open my eyes and catch up with what I’ve missed during those lost hours of Zzzzz’s. How did the world go on without my surveillance over it on social media? So I used my phone instead of coffee to wake up as I mindlessly scroll on Instagram and Facebook (I am too old for Twitter and Snap and all that bullshit). While I admire the beautiful kids and sassy comments of Chrissy Teigen, root for Kendra Wilkinson to feel like her sexy self again, catch up with the Daily show’s tidbits here and there and drool over all the seemingly perfect relationships that my friends have and brag about in my news feed… I notice that in a mere 5 minutes of mindless scrolling, I went through a roller coast of emotions. And it is not even 8 o’clock yet. I got upset over the state of the world, then hopeless about it, then I saw a cute animal video and my heart got warm and fuzzy again,but that warmness quickly turned into jealousy, because why can’t my life be so picture perfect as the other “fake advertisements” coming from all my “friends” on Instagram. Basically I’ve felt at least 10 emotional ups and downs in a matter of 10 minutes before I even got out of my bed, and I’m already exhausted. How will I take on a whole day with this mindset.

And if this wasn’t enough, I’m dumb enough to not learn from my mistakes, just keep going back doing the same exact dumb sh*t throughout the whole day. But the more I “connect” to the outside world, the lonelier and more isolated I feel on the inside. I compare my life to all these perfect portraits, and I feel like I am lacking. In reality, I am not lacking anything, and I live in abundance (relatively speaking) but as soon as I take away my attention from what I got, and compare my life with others, I always fall short. Yes, there are some useful, innocent, cute, funny things on these apps as well, and that’s how they got you hooked… because if it was full of shit, no one would stay. But since you find some tasty blueberries and chocolate pieces in the middle of a shit show, you stay for those bits and pieces. Then there is the other pandora’s box: the online dating apps (Bumble, Tinder, Hinge, etc).They all make you think that the whole world is at your feet…or at your thumbs, and you can window shop anyone you’d like to have. It is like Amazon for human relationships. Only later on you realize that you’ve spent the majority of your day either swiping for the next instant match to get the next dose of quick dopamine fix for your brain, or wasting hours on endless, shallow small talks, arguing with strangers over basic etiquette and common sense, or watching the convo die shortly after the first “hi, hello” exchange. I guess it is not a surprise for anyone if I say that this kind of interaction gets very old very fast. And then again, you are there alone, exactly where you started, but a bit more burnt out and hating your life just with a bit more enthusiasm while you are glued to your phone 24/7.


So, long story short(er), this morning I started thinking what people were doing in the Stone Age…you know, BEFORE smart phones were invented!?!?! I remember I was alive, and existed just fine without it (because I didn’t know what I was missing, you’d say oh-so-wisely :))) but just like I have no idea what on earth did I spend all that free time BEFORE I had kids, I don’t remember how life was without these time consuming parasite devices either. So I decided to give myself a break from it, and discover life beyond the apps and wonders (of social media).

I deactivated my Facebook ( it’s kinda like holding up a middle finger to it… and exactly as effective and dramatic, because absolutely no one gives a shit about me being on it or not 🙂  I was too much of a chicken to permanently delete my whole account, but I was pleasantly surprised that at least it is an option now, because Facebookoperate on the same principle as Hotel California… “you can check out, but you can never leave”. I enjoyed having the option, but I didn’t pull the trigger just yet.  Instead uninstalled Instagram, too. Ouch,  that hurt! That place is like a playground for my brain. I like creating insta stories, feeling insta creative on it, posting pictures with inspirational quotes and feel so spiritual, holier than thou, so unique  (along with all the other 5 million similar style accounts) and all my pole dancing tutorials were saved on that app as well. So that was a deep cut for my pretentious creative veins, but oh well, they say the survival rate is fairly high after such moves like this, so I am not too worried. Then I pulled the plug on all my dating apps….goodbye half naked bathroom selfies, fish pictures, oversized beards and half-assed “hello”s. How will I live without y’all, I’m not sure yet, but hoping that the withdrawal symptoms won’t be too intolerable.

phone 5

So there you have it… My phone is clean from all the time- consuming, mind-numbing apps I cherished for so long and now I don’t know what to do with my phone anymore…. paper wight? Flashlight? Alarm only? Do people still use that green thing…the call button? I guess I could text people, but since I can’t fish for new victims from Bumble anymore, and I don’t really have friends either, my phone is mostly silent with an occasional unsolicited sales or tax call. Now I am back to the dark ages, where life is silent, I don’t know what to do with myself anymore and I get to experience for the first time how it feels to be bored…or just BE! Just be with me….present in my life…then my kids (yes, they are still around, as I’ve noticed after I got my head buried out of my phone)…just to be with them and pay attention to them without being glued to my phone constantly. I get to be bored…..even if it is only for a minute, but now I know how boredom feels. Oh, the luxury of being bored. And I get to read more books….watch a movie….be in nature…brag about being better that you on an old school blog ….you know…back to reality.

I know I am speaking as an old veteran of this wild lifestyle …. but I am not. This whole exile only happened a few hours ago, so don’t be too proud of me just yet. And I don’t know how long it will last….but I hope I’ll get to enjoy this break at least for a whole week before I cave in again, and feel the irresistible urge to post a picture of my breakfast, or fish for likes with the newest, cutest thing my daughter just said.

What if, during my break, I just realize that most things in my life is just for ME, to take it all in and enjoy it fulling…not to pass along right away and measure the value of the post with the amount of likes it gets.  What a sick and twisted society we live in these days, and we don’t even realize it, only when we force ourselves to part with these apps, we feel the hole in us….But let me tell you, this hole is a lot bigger while you are ON these apps. You are just too distracted to notice it. And as you stop the noise, you notice the presence of the hole for the first time, and you don’t try to distract yourself from it with the next trending video or the other spiritual post you gift to the world, but you sit with it, with the silence, the hole, the vast darkness in you, and you just observe it, watch it and accept it as it is…and relax into it. Then it starts shrinking, and shrinking and shrinking until you are so comfortable with yourself that you can’t remember if you had a hole in you, or you were just simply one.

(an S hole…but that’s another topic for another day)


I quit trying to “make an impact”

Today I was walking around at Target hunting for the 10th birthday present I had to buy in this summer season for all those summer birthdays my kids are invited to, when I noticed the T-shirt sold for kids with these writings on them: “Make waves”, “Make a difference” “Make an impact”.And it made me very uneasy in my stomach. I realized how culturally brainwashed we all are in this Western Modern world we live in,  especially in this capitalist, individualist-worshiping American culture. This self advertising, egotistical and arrogant message has been the motto for so many years, and it is getting loud and proud by the minute. “They” tell it to anyone and everyone to “make a difference”, “change the world” “go out to the world, become a leader and make an impact”. And this ideology is not just the motto of the materialistic world, but also crept into the spiritual world and teachings as well lately. So many self-helping, self-proclaimed home made gurus are preaching that the secret to happiness is you becoming something different than what you are now, achieving your dreams and goals and making an impact on others and the world around you. But holy crap, there are soooo many flaws with this theory.

First of all: if everyone is a leader, who the hell will be the follower? It takes two to tango, and if both of them are trying to lead, it will be more of a disaster than a flowing, beautiful dance. So not everyone has to be a leader, and a follower is not any less either ..but an equal. Following is a skill as well. It’s like a yin-yang form. Both are opposites yet equally needed to for a whole.

Second : people are dumb as f@ck. Me included. People don’t know shit. Yes, we explore the world and we discover things, but we haven’t figured out the answer to the most basic and burning question of all time: who we are, how did we get here and where are we going? Who are we and what is consciousness? Plus how to live in peace and harmony with the life and habitat around us without destroying it and biting the hand that feeds us. All we have done was “concurring” lands, each other, torturing humans, animals and the field around us….and you are telling *these people* to “go out and make a difference”, “voice your opinion” and “leave your imprint on this earth”. Please don’t!  You wouldn’t tell visitors of a museum standing next to a perfectly composed, beautifully painted piece of art to go ahead and “leave your footprint on it”, “make a difference” or “make a video of it and preach your opinion to the crowd because your opinion matters”. NO! You would tell them to shut the hell up, don’t ruin it with your dirty fingerprints and appreciate the beauty that it gives you or leave the museum. Yet, with Mother Earth, we think we are the shit, we are the ultimate catharsis of creation and we are here to make a difference (but notice, any difference we have made so far has only been ruining the originally perfect creation, not adding anything positive to it).  We are dumb humans, we don’t know how to live without causing damage and messing with the perfect masterpiece. Let’s not be so cocky to think that our ideas, thoughts and ways of life is the only good way of being/thinking because ideas/self perceptions and opinions change ALL.THE.TIME! So why do we think that where ever we are in this moment is what needs to be voiced and shouted from the top of the hill to convince everyone that they are wrong, and we are right. Because that’s all what it comes down to after all. The battles of the EGOS.

Thirdly: this puts a lot of pressure on everyone to live up to this social hype& expectations of “becoming” someone, leaving an impact on the world around us and takes the focus away from actually just “being” and enjoying what life has to offer. Why do humans always feel the need to be in charge, in control…when in reality, they have no idea what they are doing?! We are just dumb children trying to drive a car we know absolutely nothing about, yet so convinced that that’s our job…to drive, to control…and that only makes us crash into the first tree or house anyways. Instead of constantly trying to impose our ideas and world views on the world we are living in (and that functions just perfectly without our control over it anyways) we could just relax into this being, living, observing, appreciating, and following the natural flow of life. No need to put so much pressure on ourselves to be someone or something else other than who we already are. How do you know that the success you achieve is not gonna be the first step of the biggest failure you experience? How do you know for sure that what you think is your most delicious dream is not gonna turn into the worst nightmare once it comes true?! How many times have you gotten what you wanted and turned out it was not good for you at all? How many times did our best ideas backfire once we made them come true?! How can people still trust their own limited, ego-centered and arrogant ideas and world views, super imposing it on others and trying to make profit off of it. And deeming others a loser, or a failure if they don’t get in line and try to climb up on the ladder that’s leaning towards the wrong wall. Why do we hint this idea into the western people’s subconscious that the only life worth living is the one where you are admired, approved by others, conquering others, achieving high goals and becoming rich. Why is a simple life that lives in harmony with nature and doesn’t create chaos or harm to others not equally as admired or noticed or worshiped?????

Let me tell you why! Because there is no profit in it for anyone and the only person who benefits from it is the one living in peace with his life. No one else around him will be able to make money off of a person who is content with his life (what do you sell someone who has it all?), his body (who will be able to sell a diet pill or plastic surgery to the one who accepts and loves his/her own body?!), or who is present where ever he is,( instead of trying to get to anywhere BUT present moment). This idea of constant dissatisfaction is the breeding ground of all profit hungry corporations and also behind those self-help guru messages (because you will sign up for their news letters, subscribe to their YouTube channels and pay for their courses of “life changing events”.

I believe everyone has and knows this truth deep down inside, but we have been so separated from our true nature, our inner voice and our intuition that underneath all these outside influences, chatters, noises and preaching, we can’t recognize and trust what’s real anymore. And the more we listen to these noises around us, the more lost we will feel in this rat race, in this doing, achieving and accomplishing, and we will never reach the finish line, but will die in exhaustion chasing our own tails.

Instead we should just stop, quiet down and give space and time to hear what’s real, what’s underneath all this outside noise and follow it. It’s there in everyone. I think…. I hope…but again, I am not imposing this idea on anyone, because what the hell do I know?! The only thing I know for sure is that I know nothing. And the more I discover, the less sure I am about anything and everything.


Quit trying to control life & just go with the flow

I am not saying I have mastered it….matter of fact, I am far from it. But I have had an experience last night that made me see the difference between struggling with trying to control the uncontrollable vs bliss & flow without it. In another person. Because my actions are too close to home, I guess. I notice things much better from a distance. 🙂

So anyway, here is what happened. A couple months ago, while talking to one of my friends, it came to my attention that there was out there man who has never had sex before.  This made me VERY curious. The “therapist” in me woke up immediately and wanted to come to the rescue. Half curiosity, and half of it was genuine desire to help someone discover this playground we call sex. I even told my friend ” well, send him my way and I will show him a thing or two.” But none of us really believed it would happen until I actually put some thought into it and after much consideration, I was like ” well, I’ve done worse things before in the name of sex, so I don’t see why helping someone make the first step on this road would be so bad indeed.”

So I made my offer, my friend was surprised but happy, she conveyed the message and he – to our biggest surprise – agreed to it. He was ready for a major change finally.

So the night has come, he came over and was very nervous. I brought out the big guns, beer, jokes, talking..but we had to use pot because none of it seem to really calm down those nerves. After we both got appropriately high, I made my move on him. ( Let me tell you, I discovered a new side to me too. I used to think I liked dominant guys, but now that the table has turned, I actually really enjoyed being in the driver’s seat as well).

We started with kissing, and despite that it seemed to him that he was only imitating a fish on a shore, he actually did pretty good. I am a kissing queen, (not just quitting) and I know a good kiss when I feel one, that’s for sure. SO I thought, damn, we are off to a good start. But obviously he was nervous as hell. And I noticed moments when he could let go and enjoy the moment and get lost in it, but more often than not his little ego popped back up online and tried to take over everything. Tried to control things, but it realized that “oh, shit, wait a minute, I don’t know what I’m doing”.  And that’s when he stalled and got nervous and the whole thing paused. The flow was over. 


That was such a huge contrast to see in action. I could witness live how different the flow of life is when WE (our little egos) want to control everything, yet it has no idea what to do, and how to do it VS. when we just lay down on the wave of life with our backs to it, breath and relax and just ride those waves as they come, instead of trying to control the whole ocean ourselves.

When he was out of his mind, and into his body, he did amazing. Things were flowing between us, we were feeding off of each other’s energies, he let go and let loose and you wouldn’t have been able to tell that this was his first time! But that part didn’t last long, because the ego is so super strong in our system, and I could see it come back online randomly, trying to take over the situation, wanting to be in control, yet realizing that it doesn’t know what it’s doing, where things are going and started panicking.

And that made me think of how similar this event and life really was. How often we get into our own ways, how often we want to control the uncontrollable, how often we think we should know what we don’t and do what we can’t, and therefore we put a lot of pressure, expectations and stress on ourselves. That tiny fragment of this fictional being we call EGO (which doesn’t even exist if you really think about it) thinks it is in charge, it knows the big picture and it knows right from wrong. Yet, it is so wrong. Only thing it’s doing is living in constant fear, stress and being everywhere in the past or future, but never in the now. ….

Then there is the NOW….. LIFE….the PRESENT! The only thing that ever exists. The only real “thing” indeed. No one knows where it’s going, where it’s coming from, but it is here, and it is taking us on the best journey of our lives…if we let it. If we give up control, realize that we don’t know anything, and trust that whatever this life is, this moment is, “it” is knowing a whole lot more than our tiny little Egos could ever comprehend, and just relax into the present moment and go with the flow, wherever it takes us. Whatever feels right in the moment, follow it without overthinking it. Because as soon as the EGO/our little self/ us comes back into the picture, the flow of the magic stops, gets interrupted and instead of us being in our bodies, we jump back into our heads, and that’s what’s causing all the stress, anxiety and conflict. We get out of the present moment, the here and now that feels great and where “we” know what to do (not really, but it is being done to us anyway…life is living through us), and we start watching the movie of the past memories and the future fears…and BOOM there goes the magic, the moment, the flow.

So there it was….the pure freedom and utter panic right in front of me played out within an hours, alternating. All depending on him trying to control the situation OR simply letting go and relaxing into the now. So simple, yet we make it so complicated.

After a long night of therapy, counseling and sex, I can happily announce that our virgin man is no longer virgin, and he did very well indeed, not only giving himself and orgasm, but to me as well. I am proud of my student, and my teacher, who shows me the difference between trusting life, relaxing into it vs overthinking it and trying to control every aspect of it with out little egos.






I quit blaming men for everything…

I know, in today’s angry feminist world, the “metoo” hurricane movement and its rapid after effects, what I’m about to say probably won’t be a popular opinion among many, but I still think it needs to be shared regardless.

I know the scale is tipping, and the overpowering, dominant, aggressive patriarchy with it’s toxic masculinity seems to be collapsing like the great Roman Empire with the arrival of the fast rising, even angrier and more aggressive feminist movement. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is a necessary change, something that’s evident and was bound to happen, no matter what…. yet somehow it still doesn’t sit well with me that now we assign men to be our scapegoats for all the problems in the world, we fight against them, publicly, heartlessly shame, humiliate and destroy them. Do some of them deserve it? Well… maybe… but who am I to play judge in this game, when I can’t even keep myself clean and holy for a day, let alone a whole lifetime. Plus, when did war ever end with war, or who put out fire with more fire? How will public shaming, humiliation, aggression, hatred, bad mouthing, anger ever bring peace, calm and balance to this world?

And no, I am not saying we should just sit there with our thumbs up our butts and let them do as they please … but I do think that the saying that “hurt people hurt people” is quite accurate, and if someone causes pain to another person, then in order to cure the disease – instead of just getting rid of the symptoms – you have to dig deep, find the root of the cause and heal it from there. Feminists seem -at least to me- that they only want to get rid of the symptoms, shift power and let women rule for a change. But in order to create a healthy world where we can all peacefully coexist (hahhaha listen to me and my futuristic, optimistic, delusional, Utopian daydreams) I think we need to heal men. Yes, obviously, women too…but right now, we should focus on men as well, because if they  heal, we women will benefit from it the most.

Why do I say this?

Because sometimes I play with the idea of me being a man and how it would feel  like to live in that body, in that social role, under those expectations…and let me tell you, I am not particularly wanting to be one. Yes, there are perks to it, as you never have to bleed on a monthly occasion, or put up with PMS for days before it (although we make sure that they suffer from it just as much as we do 🙂 ), be under the influence and mercy of your constantly changing hormones, give up your life  and body after having kids, suffer from work place inequity, or be on the less pleasurable side of this rape culture… gosh, you know what? You are right, what’s my point here? Men suck. End of story, period! 🙂

Nah, I do have a point though. When I pictured myself into a body and role of a man, I realized that there is tremendous pressure on them. From the get go they are cut off from their emotions and feelings. They are not allowed to express and talk about why they are sad, lonely, they can’t cry because “boys don’t cry, you are not a pussy, suck it up, walk it off and rub some dirty on it”. They are so disconnected from their feelings and emotions that we  can’t even blame them for not even realizing that they have any. When you are conditioned your whole life to not feel, or hide it and deny it…. are you surprised that you turn into a cold -hearted asshole?
Then there is the pressure of becoming the Alpha male, the Man, who is cool, who has the most chicks, and if you are anything short of that, then you are labeled as a loser.
Or being the breadwinner. You have the pressure to provide for your whole family, be able to bring home the cash, so that the wifey is happy and the kids are fed. That’s a whole lot of pressure on a person. I know, in today’s modern world women face it as well, but the aftermath of the old school mentality is still present in so many men that are still alive today and passing on their own twisted standards.
Then there is the hormone issue. Yeah, we deal with PMS but have you experienced extreme HORNINESS while ovulating? I know I am a walking sex-machine, and all I see everywhere is dicks. Sometimes I feel like grabbing a stranger from the street and doing him, because I am so under this urge, that I can’t think clearly. And this is only once a month. But at this time I always get a taste of how it must feel to be a man and not being able to stop thinking about sex. It is easier for women to say that “how hard it must be to not think about sex?” when your sex drive is close to zero, but when your hormones hijack your intelligence, you can’t think clearly and it requires a big dose of self-discipline indeed to do what comes naturally for a woman who is not under the “influence”. That’s why guys can only talk about sex and sports and cars because sex is a given … they are a walking sex machines, and the ones that are not, their testosterone levels have dropped drastically for some known or unknown reasons. And sports is because they wanna belong, feel part of the group (just like women) and that’s the only socially accepted public emotional way that they are allowed to talk about it and express it without the fear of being called a faggot. Then cars….because that’s the furthest thing from emotions, therefore a safe subject again.
Not to mention wars… who were disposable? Still are… MEN! They have to suck it all up, be brave, not show fear or terror, and walk into the hungry mouth of death with their head held high. Women and children have the luxury to appear weak and helpless, to show fear…but think about it: do men have this right as well?

So let me be the whistle blower here and blow the cover off of this species called men. They are a whole lot like us, women. Whether we wanna admit it or not, we are more alike than different.
Maybe they have a tougher exterior, maybe they show it differently, maybe they hit first instead of talking it out. Maybe they would rather punch a wall before they would ever show tears in front of others. Maybe they use different tools to get the human touch they crave so badly. Maybe instead of being their honest, open, vulnerable self, they hide behind their masks of masculinity of six packs, big guns and muscle brains, thick wallets and big sports cars.


But underneath it all, if you scratch the surface a bit and dig a little deeper, you’ll find that they, too, have emotions, but they have not been allowed to express it as freely as we have because they have to seem cool, calm and collected at all times. (Therefore they die of heart attack most of the time). They like poetry, art and songs and kindness, but afraid to talk about it openly risking being labeled gay or a wuss. They need love and acceptance just like we do, but they might not even be aware of it most of the time.

But they are just like us. They want to be understood and respected, just like us. They long for their mother’s arms when they are in pain, just like us. They want to feel connection, just like us. And when they are sick, weak, or the wind of death has touched them a little, they are scared and afraid of it, just like us.

We are all humans. We are not against each other, but FOR each other. Instead of pointing fingers and blaming each other for our own suffering, we should first look into ourselves and see where are we doing the exact same things that we are so vocal about when it comes to accusing the other gender. Then once we found it in us (because we will find it, we are not that holy and innocent after all either) then work on solving the problem instead of intensifying it. A rambunctious child won’t change for the better with punishment, hatred, shaming and blaming. But will respond well to the right kind of attention, love, understanding, listening, providing space to be able to talk about their feelings, and help them feel like this world is a safe place for them to be honest as well.

Once they are healed, we are healed. Once one sees clearly, the whole world will clear up. But it all starts within, with us first. Man or woman, doesn’t matter. It starts in you and ends in you. That’s the secret that can’t be told, only lived.