I quit fearing & hating 2020

I understand it’s very popular these days to hate on 2020, and for valid reasons. There is that little thing called virus that keeps us all in check, kills a few of us and the rest is just not able to taste the “fruitiness, oakiness & earthiness” of their daily dose of wine while they nurse their aching bodies back to health for a week. It is a genuine reason to hit thumbs down on the Facebook page of 2020. But if it wasn’t enough, then there is that muzzle (aka mask) we all have to wear in “protection of others”, just so that we can righteously be called a grandma killer if that protection device dares to slip under our noses for a split second. One more reason to divide our country, continent, and planet, as if we haven’t had enough reasons for it just yet. Then there was the quarantine (lockdown…. let’s not sugar coat it….dismantling of our economy while keeping us in voluntary house arrest. That was another level of a doozy all in a name of “our protection and for our own good”. Then some people lost their jobs, family members, more and more people became even more isolated, suicidal, depressed and if corona wasn’t successful at killing most of us, we – the people – took care of the rest of the job. Starting with a few bad apples in the police department, then the trend took off and we started hitting, kicking, shooting everything and everyone else around us. Vandalism, looting, riots and whatnots were rampant, BLM was graffitied on every building and car ( not because they asked for the ultimate and trendiest exterior design style, but just because…. you’ll get it whether you like it or not by a random street designer hooligan :). And then there was the wild fires in the whole West coast.

Have I missed anything else?!

Oh yes, the election. How could I even forget? Biden and Trump going at it, the shit that’s coming out is impressive and here we are again, 4 years down the road, we are facing the choice, which pop socket we should stick our forks into yet again.

So that’s it folks! We have all the right to cancel this year. Let’s just blink and pretend that this has never happened, and move on just like Kim Kardashian did when she got a sneak peek of Bruce Jenner wearing a dress.

It would, indeed, be super easy to hate on this year, especially if you add your own personal hurts of the year on top of it all.

Yet, I had enough of all that hatred too. It’s all good and dandy until it’s not. One just gets tired of all the doom and gloom as well, because you realize that hatred only hurts the container it’s been held in. I got tired of chant the same old hateful song the rest of the world was oh so happy to sing, and decided to look for all the good that this 2020 had to offer. And guess what?! EVERY coin has 2 sides! Always!!!! Its’s just the matter of wanting and being willing to search for it and opening our eyes to it.

Let’s start with the obvious: we all needed a little break. Mother earth needed a little break from all the shit we’ve put her through. Less traffic on the roads was so nice. Less pollution was also nice, until the fires effed that all up, too 🙂 Staying home with ourselves, getting to know ourselves was much needed indeed. Getting out of the rat race and thinking for a second about life was much appreciated as well. People have learned to cook from scratch and America, it was about time. We definitely appreciate a good hug, a friend’s company and toilet paper these days. When I see the whole store stacked up with TP, my heart smiles 🙂 because for a second, the whole TP pandemic seemed very real, but then I became like Bear Grylls in the wild, and improvised and my life was saved from drowning in my own filth 🙂

Ok, but all jokes aside, 2020, I LOVE YOU! You have been like a tough parent to me. You have showed me what really matters in life. Turns out, not many things 🙂 and the ones that do matter, we take them for granted, never stopping to appreciate them & be grateful for them. Such as my relationships, my hugs and kisses from my kids, family and friends. My health and my loved one’s health. Clean air…especially after the smoke we had from the fires. The sunshine on my skin. The job I still have. The time I got to spend with myself, discovering myself. The kindness I observed among humans. The willingness to help each other out. No matter what political views we shared, when someone was in need, we got together and we helped that person. The plant medicine that helped me purge all the old gunk inside of me, and helped me reevaluate the whole meaning of life. And last, but not least, the facing of my ultimate fear and overcoming it: DEATH. It is a scary topic, most people tend to plug their ears and walk away when it comes up, but I actually had the time to sit down with it, think about it, feel into it, and become friends with it. Appreciate it for what it is, and how more meaningful and beautiful it actually makes life itself.

So while I know that 2020 is far from being over, and while I’m ready for the alien invasion or meteor of some sort to arrive, I am hopeful that every bad has a good in it and every darkness can be dissolved by the light.

I have faith in humanity, in our progress, in the journey we are collectively on. We are going through some rough patches but it forces us to realize what really matters in our lives, what we want to focus on and give our time and attention to. Then the rest will fall into it’s place. Many many things are not under our control, this world does its own thing, the planets are spinning the way they are ordered to…so all we need to do is just keep on breathing, blinking, being and braving the wilderness.

We got this!

I quit blaming others for MY problems

The other day I was driving with a pot of plant riding on the seat next to me. It was chilling and hanging out with me, until I got the the intersection and – even though the light was green –  the person in front of me decided to stop. I automatically slammed on the break as well, causing my dear, unsuspecting flower next to me to faceplant on the floor, top down on the rubber mat.

— F@@@@@@@@@ck! You idiot fool! – were the words that left my mouth immediately blaming the unsuspecting driver in front of me for my plant’s near death experience.

But as soon as these beautiful words left m mouth, I immediately realized what just happened.

That person stopped because she didn’t want to get stuck in the middle of the intersection in case the light turns red, because there were too many cars in front of her already. Also, given that she hasn’t really worked on her psychic abilities yet, she had no way of knowing that I was riding with my newfound friend (AKA plant) that was not buckled in and wasn’t properly holding on either.

Long story short, it was MY responsibility to secure that plant. It was my responsibility to make sure to do my best that in case it is not a smooth sailing trip, I still maximize it’s chances of surviving. Or ride slower so I can stop more smoothly in case something like this happens. Either way… it was MY  FREAKING responsibility to do my part. Not hers. She was doing her best she could with the knowledge she had to survive, to be safe and to keep others safe. I was lacking on my part and paid the price.

Chill out y’all, the plant survived and it is safe and sound in my home now… It is all buckled in now..in case an earthquake happens, or something :)))) I’ve learnt my lesson :)))

But anyways, it made me think how often I do this… how often I play the victim? How often I blame others for my mistakes? How often I give away my power with this blame game? Because once I took responsibility for my actions, my past, my history, I felt a sense of power. Victim mode leaves us powerless. We are always gonna be at the mercy of our circumstances, other people’s intentions, wills and deeds, etc…but once you claim responsibility for your own actions, your own past and present and future, you are FREE! You are free to create whatever you want, however you want to view the happenings and however you want to shape your future. And that’s my friend, where the real power is found!

I quit believing that suicide is a solution to my problems

Here is an oxymoron for ya. I am the happiest depressed person ever. Or the most depressed happy person?! Either/or.
But really! I am probably one of the happiest, funniest, goofiest person when we first meet or if we just meet once in a while in social settings. I crack jokes all the time, I am witty (not to toot my own horn, because I have no idea where these random one-liners come  from at all) sometimes I even crack myself up with the thought I have (it is a cool party on the inside for sure). People who don’t know me describe me as a positive, upbeat person with lots of energy and it is so easy to be around her because you can just be effortlessly yourself.

And all of this is true!

But that’s only one side of the coin.

The other one is much much darker. No, not on a sociopathic, serial killer level dark, but more on a “everything is fucked up, nothing makes any sense, this whole existence is pointless…and what’s even worse: I am a mistake! I shouldn’t even exist and everyone else around me would be so much better off without me being alive.”

And the worst part of the whole thing is that I truly, honestly believe these thoughts when they appear. Because they find the perfect setting for them to emerge and be believable to me.

I am not sure when my suicide attempts have started, but I was fairly young I remember. Yes, I didn’t have an ideal childhood (which is the case with most depressed people in general), my mother never really liked me, matter of fact despised me for looking and acting more like my dad, she could never understand me and my dad was an alcoholic artist who was mostly either passed out and locked us kids outside for days or was beating my mom because they argued. But again, this is not necessarily the most traumatic childhood either (gosh, why am I always downplaying the trauma of my past?!). Well, anyways, my mom did the best she could with the circumstances she had and with her own shit she brought from her own childhood, yet I still ended up traumatized, hurt, and messed up. Since I was little I didn’t like to be alive. I felt like I was tired of life yet I barely started it. In my teen years I remember feeling homesick constantly but I didn’t know towards what kinda “home” because it certainly wasn’t mine, that’s for sure. I have always longed for a tribe of people to belong to, to feel at home in and find my place in this world, yet my family has moved so much that I never had the chance to create this tribe around me….ever.

So here I am with this upbeat, fun and funny personality towards the world (and that’s just as legit as the dark one, don’t get me wrong) but then there is the deep, dark and scary side that hates herself, blames herself for everything and thinks that she is a curse for everyone around her.

I’ve done a lot of self-help shit, (not much success, only temporary) and done therapy some, with not much success either. I’ve done ayahuasca, because I knew the root cause is somewhere much deeper, and while it was eye-opening, it still didn’t solve my problem.  I used to fantasize about my death, contemplate about how to kill myself (I would not be brave enough to jump off of anything, because I know I would change my mind halfway down but that would be too late. Also wouldn’t wanna shoot myself because my aim is shitty, and with my luck I would only end up paralyzed but alive. Hanging myself would make me look very ugly to the one who finds me, and I am too vain for that. So overdosing is always the winning method) then I started wondering how many people would even find out about my death and show up to my funeral. And let’s be honest, I don’t think many would. Maybe my kids and my ex (since he would have to be the one organizing it…that poor guy :)))  and my mom and my brother if they could get over their current hurt (or relief) of me not talking to them, but other than that, I think I successfully alienated most of the other people in my life who I used to call friends, and now all I have is acquaintances who might not even find out about it, unless someone updates my Instagram account. But all jokes aside, dying always seemed like a relief to me, an escape from my current, unsolvable situation that my mind created so often. Maybe it is not as often as it used to be, because it only hits me once or twice a year these days, but when it rains, it pours! When my dark clouds gather, it is the ugliest storm ever. I feel trapped in my world, in my own thoughts, in my own life, in my own skin, and I want to get out of it. I want to run away, find a new identity, find a new ME, leave everything that’s Me behind me & find a relief from all these suffocating thoughts. But the funny thing is, wherever I go, I bring myself with me. I bring these thoughts with me. And no matter what I do, I will always feel guilty of any choices I make on a whim that’s rushed.

I just had a recent hit of this shitstorm lately, got into an argument with my mother & brother over some petty shit, that strike a cord with me and brought up some past traumas (that I thought I was over already, but was I wrong), and I decided that I don’t need family anymore. They are useless anyways. They have an attitude when I ask them to help out with the kids, they constantly criticize me for any choice I make, so what good does it do to me to have them in my life and always trying to help them in return (yes, I’m playing the victim card now, but there is a ton of truth in it as well…but I am aware that I am in a “woooo me” mode). So as I Xed my family out of the picture, and my ex asked me to let the kids go over to his place for Christmas, I decided that I will be completely alone this time. I was hurt. And on top of it all, all of my existing and non-existing friends decided to not contact me for more than a week as well (but they stalk every story I post on FB…hmmm) so I let that shit go as well.

I have no family. No friends. No nothing. All I have was ME! The painful truth. But again, isn’t that always the case anyways? No one can ever really connect with you on a level that would be satisfying anyways, so why do we even have this illusion that it is possible? We all live in our own universes, our own bubbles, and there is absolutely no cross over.

So there I was, just like Macaulay Culkin,  HOME ALONE for Christmas, and I had a  lot of time to think. Which is dangerous. My mind started going down the black rabbithole of me being a horrible mother (this thought is a gift I’m sure I got or inherited from my precious mother) and I started listing the reasons why my kids would be so much better of without me…and I almost got myself convinced. I can be so convincing, sometimes even I can’t resist my own charm). Then I started thinking about the method of exiting, and googled what kinda OTC pills would be able to do the job. Then I was wondering if after swallowing them, would I call someone to get me to the hospital in panic, or would I just ride it out and see what would happen?  Then I thought, shit, if the mission doesn’t end “well”, I could mess up my health and I would have to keep going with a messed up stomach, more acne and health issues on top of my own mental issues. Then I started thinking, “man, this whole Christmas suicide might not be the best idea because that would ruin Christmas for my kids for the rest of their lives most likely.”

So that’s when I gave up this whole self-pity party when I realized that nothing good would come out of it. I don’t know where I would end up after death, but you know what?! Sooner or later I will get to find out anyway. Eventually we all die. Sometimes I would like to speed up the process though, but I decided that I won’t. It will come. The right time and the natural timing of it will come eventually even if I want it or not. But until then, I stay alive. Even if I am sad, I hate life, I feel lonely and I am nowhere near where I “think” I should be…. I have only one thing to do. Stay alive until I can’t. Even if I sleep all day long, I’ll stay here. Even if I don’t see anyone for weeks, I will stay here. Even if I go through dark phases and lose hope in humanity and civilization, and people and anything possible, I’ll stay here until I’m taken out of the game. But it is NOT my call to decide when that time comes. I just find relief in the fact that it will come eventually.

And until then, I sit still, and I know that this is only temporary, like every storm. It comes, it rains, it destroys then it goes. It goes! It always goes away! Every depressing phase I had in my life went away if I gave it enough time. And the sun came out and I could find some joy in life again. Some happiness. Some hope.

And isn’t that what this whole life is all about? Experiencing both sides of the spectrum. The light and the dark. The heavy and the light. The bad and the good…and everything in between. We are here to explore the feelings, the thoughts, the calm and the storm.

And when it is all said and done, and there is nothing else left to learn, we move onto the next level in the game.

Most likely when I get my shit together and I start fully enjoying this human experience, that’s when my time will be up… it’s just my luck!



I quit thinking mediocrity is bad

I am so fed up with these self-improvement gurus and motivational speakers who hype up the room and play with people’s emotions just to make them feel like they are capable of achieving anything… just so they can crash when they go home a few days after the event and stay exactly where they were, but now much more depressed and full of self-loathing, because they weren’t able to achieve that they were so hyped up about. If all these self-help books, motivational speaking events and spiritual nonsensical modern wave of madness had worked, there wouldn’t be any sad, depressed and poor person left in America.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am spiritual (whatever that means for you) and I am constantly thinking about the meaning of life and the big picture and solutions to the non-existent problems (after all I am an ENFP, -if it means anything to you- I can’t help it). But this new wave of “spiritual hustler” mentality is getting under my skin, to be honest. You ask : WHY? 

Let me tell ya why!

All this magical sounding manifestations, law of attractions, create your dream board and match your resonance with it so that it will feel like it is your reality already, bla bla bla shit…. it all sounds like a modern day magic bed time story. Not that there is no truth to it, because it does matter what mentality we are living in, or what thoughts we believe (if for nothing else, it matters for you because thoughts can ruin or make your days fo shizzle) but my problem is mostly with the underlying message of it all. Which is that you are a NOBODY as of now, and you can not be happy as you are, because happiness is just out there, only a new job, new partner, new house, car  or a NEW YOU away. Go ahead, manifest the shit out of your dreams then you can live in forever la la land happily ever after. But guess what?! You are bringing the YOU that you are now into that manifestation, and if your feelings/thoughts about you are the same, then even with improved circumstances, you will still be tripping over the smallest problems, worrying about the future and sweating blood to manifest the next dream of yours, because that shit never stops. It’s all because of the hedonic treadmill theory. (The hedonic treadmill, also known as hedonic adaptation, is the observed tendency of humans to quickly return to a relatively stable level of happiness despite major positive or negative events or life changes.[1] According to this theory, as a person makes more money, expectations and desires rise in tandem, which results in no permanent gain in happiness. -Wikipedia)

And you’ll trick yourself into thinking that the next big thing will bring you granted satisfaction, but it won’t. It will level you out to the same level of happiness you were before you achieved it. Meanwhile you keep thinking that you are not good enough the way you are, and it can’t be it, this present moment just cannot contain happiness that I am searching for so desperately. And we (falsely) believe that only on top will we be able to find satisfaction, happiness and joy. Where ever we are is definitely not the place where those qualities reside.  You need to expand, create, leave a dent in this world, make a difference, be a go- getter and praise the hustling, always want more and never stop, never give up attitude. Barf! Yuck! Even typing these words make me nauseous. We declare war on mediocrity as if it was the new plague people die of. But have you ever stopped thinking why mediocrity has such a bad reputation? And why is “money” and “prestige” the agreed upon measurement of happiness and the worth & value of a person??? Why is a person who has a mediocre job and capable of going on family vacation here and there, has a hobby, gets to see their kids and friends often and spend time with them is valued less and labeled as mediocre, but the CEO of a company or a corrupt doctor (not implying that all of them are, just picked an example) has such an enviable position, even though they barely see their families, their stress levels are through the roof, have insomnia, anxiety, ulcer and eventually die of a heart attack. How is this so desirable? Just because they have a few more zeros in their bank account than the previously mentioned person? But if you really think about it: who is enjoying life more? The everyday pleasures of living and each moment? Why do we frown upon someone who works as a barista or at McDonald’s saying they are lazy because they never got a higher education, yet someone who has many diplomas might be a whole lot more lost and depressed than these simple, “mediocre” people.

And when did “mediocre” turn into the new “awful”? Look, a mediocre lifestyle in the USA today means you have a job that supports you and your family, you have food on your table, a roof over your head, enough free time to do your hobbies and enjoy some entertainment as well. Do you know that the majority of the world would kill for this kinda “mediocre” lifestyle? Do you know that many starving, homeless people and terminally ill people think that your mediocre life is the bomb?! Why don’t we compare our situation to them, instead of the “oh-so-popular” social influencers these days, the Instagram models, or the top 1% wealthy people? Why is that we always compare up and become miserable, instead of compare “down” to the less fortunate, and feel grateful and content? Do you think just by being happy and content with what you have will stunt your growth, you will just become a couch potato and will be a useless member of society? I think it is quiet the opposite instead. Once you fully, whole- heartedly accept that whatever/ wherever you are at the moment is where you need to be now, and it is the perfect place for you to be, you will find the happiness you are hoping to get from manifesting your future dreams. You will stop stressing out about the pressure of the creation, the anxiety of control of everything having to be turning out the exact way you dreamed it up, and you will relax into the pressure free flow of life.

Don’t worry, you will not be stuck. One thing that’s certain is that the only constant thing in life is change. Change is inevitable. New thoughts, ideas will come to you and you will either follow them or not. But the pressure of manifesting them (no matter what) will disappear and you will be more at a natural rhythm with life, instead of opposing it, because you think you know what would make you happy. And while creation, expression, and expansion is important and definitely a major part of our human life, it is not the only thing, and definitely not sustainable to ALWAYS go at this direction. You can only blow up a balloon so big before it pops. You can only inhale for so long before you have to exhale. You can only create so much, but if  you don’t stop to smell the roses and take it all in, you will soon not be able to create anymore, because life and your body will force you to experience the opposite side as well.
Everything is in balance. It has to be. That’s why it bugs me when these new teachers and gurus only focus on pushing yourself to new limits, dream big, be bigger and better than you ever were. What is this constant race with others and ourselves? Why are we constantly pressuring ourselves and others to be something else than we are at the moment? Why do we have this mentality that whatever we are in this very moment is “NOT GOOD ENOUGH”? Why can’t we look at our lives and praise ourselves for what we have already achieved (we grew up, we birthed kids, we kept them alive, we cleaned the toilet today, we didn’t yell at our coworker today, we didn’t send a hateful text back to someone even though they so deserved it) instead of conveniently just overlooking everything we are and have been and keep our focus on the horizon (that can never be reached)??? Why can’t we just be content with our lives as it is? Why does even just the idea of it make people so scared in this modern world? Look at the indigenous people. Look at what we were back then when we were still sane, and not wrapped up in this modern fairy tale story of money and status. Did they lose sleep over what next position they should apply for? What kinda next leather dress they want to create out of the mammoth they kill? Heck no. They did what they had to do, whatever life brought them to do. They hunted, gathered, carried water, and then once the basic essentials were provided, they gathered together for the rest of the day and f@cking danced, told stories, laughed, ate together, enjoyed life, did some shamanic journeys, used some psychedelic help and were tripping all night until the morning. (OK, I just made that up, I’m sure that didn’t happen every night). See what I mean? We, humans and animals, are meant to enjoy life for the majority of the day, not constantly stressing out about everything, how to get “ahead” in life (ahead of what or who anyways?!) and how to become somebody, and how to achieve more, be more, do more.

That’s where all the mental noise is coming from, all the anxiety, the confusion, the sickness manifests in our bodies, because we believed these programmings, that our parents and society coded into us. That we HAVE TO become somebody (as if we were nobodies as of now), we have to make a dent in this world (but I bet you don’t tell it to every person that passes by your car to make a dent in it…then why would you encourage every idiot to make a dent in this precious world, when it is already messed up as it is?!). All that excessive thinking, that unnecessary mental noise that’s causing so much suffering already, and never provided any solutions. How could it? You can’t solve a problem the same way you created it.

That’s why I say that instead of obsessing about the next “right” step, or how to make more money, how to become a somebody, how to achieve your goals, how to push yourself more than ever before, try relaxing a bit. Try accepting everything in the moment AS. IT. IS! No changes, no exceptions, no “yes, but...”s, no maybe laters. Yourself and the world as it is in the moment! 100%. Because when you argue with reality, you lose, but only a 100%..as Byron Katie said so elegantly 🙂 And yet, it doesn’t mean that you will sit on the sofa stoned out of your mind forever. But you will be at peace with your life as it is in the moment. You will be happy with it in the moment. And the next moment if a good idea comes and you feel like following it, do it. If no idea comes and just the silence and the bliss, then enjoy it until it lasts. Either way, change will come, things will be done, but you don’t have to drive yourself crazy on the inside while it’s happening. Accept it and love it, just like you do it with every present moment. I find that this is the key to happiness. Not the achieving bullshit that we all have been sold.


“The woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those who sang the best.”
― John James Audubon

I quit playing it safe

I have a confession. I have a tendency to always choose the safe option. When I was 14 years old and had to choose a high school to apply for (back at home you had to take a test to get into the better schools, you couldn’t just go based on your grades) I REALLY wanted to go to the one that was teaching every subject in English and it was a hard one, but it really excited me. Then the fear of failing to be accepted, and the humiliation that would follow it (only to be humiliated in front of myself, because truly, no one gave a damn if I got in or not) I chose to go to a very lame high school, where I knew for sure that I would get in without even lifting a finger. Yes, I was bored out of my mind there for 4 years, and I didn’t learn much at all (because it was a weak school) but it was safe, and I got in and it helped me avoid the fear of humiliation and that’s all I care about. Then came the men in my life. Yes, I have been into good looking and popular guys at the very beginning, when my hormones started to hijack my mind, but I quickly learnt the lesson that these guys are unreliable players and won’t stay faithful to me (or anyone else) plus I didn’t  really stand a chance to even score one, to begin with ..but in case I still did, it wouldn’t last long anyway. So in order to protect myself from humiliation again, I learnt to be attracted to the less fortunate looking, loyal guys with a good job. They were the safe options. And I always played it safe. I guess there could be many reasons to this false belief, misconception I bought into, but I never really spent enough time, energy, thought (or psychedelics) to contemplate this question yet.

So recently a guy came into my life. Boy, was I NOT sold from the very beginning. I felt zero chemistry with him, I was not really entertained by our conversations either, I felt like we were speaking in completely different time zones, our humor never matched (the worst :)) and sex was at best a mediocre one. But what worked for him is that he seemed to be into me, was starting to take this whole dating thing seriously with me, and seemed to be a loyal one with a good job and a good body. Oh, and one other thing worked for him: he was a cozy cuddler. He felt like a comfy sofa to me. And that’s when it hit me: “holy shithole, I am dating my ex husband all over again, but this time in a black packaging.”

I noticed that every cell in my body was screaming “GET OUT QUICK” yet my logical, reasonable mind was saying: “Just give him another chance, you might be wrong, your intuition could be off, maybe you won’t find anyone better and he is SAFE for you.”

There you go again, the biggest temptation of my life: SAFETY. ME, who thought was brave, spontaneous, adventurous and exciting, I gravitated towards safety when it came to relationships. But somehow I managed to get the courage and tell him that I”m gonna go on other dates, we are not dating yet and the 3 most important things that matter in my life are not present in our relationship, so let’s not wait around for each other. This conversation landed somehow completely different on his ears, because as it turns out, he went home thinking we just learnt a bit more about each other, and now we will put more effort into making it work. (GO FIGURE…again, our conversations never really happened in the same universe, as you can tell.)
The next day I scheduled 2 dates for myself. I didn’t really care at all about either one of them, didn’t even know their names, and I didn’t even shower….yes, that’s how much I didn’t give a rats ass about it all. But I didn’t want to be with the wrong guy anymore, so I did what I knew best: going on first dates (gosh, I could write a book about my 50 first dates 🙂 ).
I planned on eating lunch with this boy, then paying for it myself and going home to get ready for the next one. But somehow life had a different plan all along. He showed up, he was cute…handsome and gorgeous….but young, damn it, 5 yrs younger than me. I never dated younger ones because they just never seemed mature enough for me. But this boy was so wise. So smart, and so kind. Polite, funny, considerate, non-judgmental, level -headed and have I mentioned yet???: beautiful!!!! I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. And the more we talked, the more we realized that we were exactly the same in EVERY. SINGLE. WAY…but in opposite gendered bodies. We were so similar that it is not even funny. At this point I still didn’t think much of him and wasn’t gonna move this date any forward, because I quit having sex on first days a while ago and I didn’t really want to be intimate with him (I mentioned that I didn’t shower, right?! :))) But after lunch we went for coffee, and talked and talked and talked some more, then we went to the movies (we kissed throughout the whole movie like dumb teenagers) and before I knew it, I spent the whole day with him. Then I had to go on a meeting and also on my second date, but since that turned out so boring, I got up early and I said goodnight, called my little boytoy, picked him up and brought him home, finally showered (!!!) and had mindblowing sex with him all night (and morning).

When I told my friend (who happened to be one of the best psychotherapist ever) the whole story, and how much this boytoy is out of my comfort zone of what I am used to and feel safe in, she encouraged me to continue this relationship.
Why is he so out of your comfort zone when he sounds so dreamy?” you might ask.
Well, sweetheart, because of 3 reasons. 1) He is Indian (dot, not feather…and if you know me, I am not racist, but I have NEVER been attracted to Indians. So much so, that I have never ever found one that was somewhat good looking and sexy for me even after 5 shots of fireballs and 5 glasses of tequila.) And I was dumping a black guy for an Indian (again, if you know me, I think black men are just gods walking in a human form on this Earth)..and yes, he has an accent…but not as bad as most of them though. I can understand him for the most part. Oh, man, it came out so stereotypical and judgmental, but these are my honest feelings, I can’t sugarcoat it.
2) he is younger than me, which is my own NO NO (for me, not for others) and have I mentioned how beautiful he was?! Gorgeous! Handsome! Can’t take my eyes off of him pretty.  And that equally unstable grounds, run as far as you can back into the arms of a safe and boring man.
3) he is just like me, which in many ways amazing and I love  him for it. BUT!!!! He has commitment issues just like me, and not a relationship type, loyal, monogamous person AKA totally unsafe choice. Just like I am for any other man.
But I have never felt so amazing during sex with almost anyone else before. There was another (also unsafe guy in my life, who rocked my world in bed and I thought no one could ever come close to him….well, this kid did it! He is right there on that level and it is amazing!!! He is so loving in bed, so thoughtful, so gentle and so rough, he is everything I need and more)…but he is not guaranteed for the long run! He is here for a good time, not for a long time.

But when you really think about it, who and what is ever guaranteed in this life? Just because someone utters all these fancy vows at the wedding, does it mean it guarantees their forever love and comfort until you both die together in each others arms!? If that was the case, 50% of  marriages wouldn’t end up in divorce. And just because someone says they are not a committing type and they don’t wanna fall in love and be with one person only, it doesn’t mean it will never happen either. (Maybe not with me, but it can still happen…life goes its own way, it doesn’t ask our opinion about it anyway). So whatever we say or think or do is not permanent, and making decisions in the moment based on safety will only prevent ourselves from all the great love, fun and blessings that are behind the walls of fear.

So I promised my friend that from now on, I will always choose the direction that scares me the most. No matter what it is, whenever I come to a fork in the road, and I need to make a decision, I will not go towards safety anymore, but I will embrace my fears and face them head on. Let’s see what’s on the other side. Let’s see what’s the big deal about them all. Let’s meet the old man behind the curtain and tell him he has no power over me anymore. I am ready. I am done sitting on the side benches, watching the game but never participating in it because of fear of humiliation, failure, pain. You know what?! It is part of life, just like happiness, fun, excitement and pleasure. Bring them all on! I am ready to face fear…even if I end up with bruises all over my body and heart, humiliated, laughed at and shitting my pants while I do it…I’m ready. I am tired of never trying and failing a 100% than giving things a chance and maybe,just maybe giving them a chance to surprise me at the end.

I quit chasing the big O

Yes, Orgasm!

I don’t care about them anymore!!! Life is just better like that.

No, it doesn’t mean I don’t have sex anymore, but I just don’t chase this end goal and destination as if it determined how enjoyable and “successful” that round was. I don’t understand this societal pressure about wanting to have one or give one (or ten). And people (mostly men, if I want to be honest) measure their “success” or manhood by the numbers of orgasms they could “give” to the woman.

First, and foremost, no one can give a woman an orgasm, BUT herself! If she can’t relax her mind enough, can’ center in the now enough, she will not be able to cum even if the guy is performing a  Cirque du Soleil act on her, because she will be preoccupied with the endless grocery list or her oncoming headache. But I don’t want to minimize the role of the man after all, since he is not just there to carry a warmed up cock on his body, but also to stimulate the woman’s mind and body at the same time (or hopefully so, because unfortunately there are many men out there who prefer the wham-bamm-thank you ma’am jackrabbit style f*cking). But where was I?

My point is basically that men can do whatever they want, but whether the orgasm happens or not, that doesn’t have much to do with them. It is a good news thought! You guys can all relax… and then while so relaxed, pick up the Slow Sex book and educate yourselves. Most women have a hard time achieving (btw, I don’t like that this  word implies another “achievement” and masculine energy, go hustle and push hard until you reach the top) ORGASMS, because of hundreds of reasons. Influence of a conservative mom, religious hangups, shame and guilt around the topic, low self-esteem, shyness, fear of your own wild feminine, hormonal imbalance and physical reasons, etc…
And then if that wasn’t enough reason, there are those weirdos like me, myself and Irene, who is absolutely illogical when it comes to cumming. I noticed that every time I fully enjoyed the whole sexual encounter and I felt loved, safe, desired and sexy as hell, and the energies were flowing freely between us, I enjoyed so much of every moment of it, that I was not possibly able to bring myself to the top and end it. But with guys I didn’t care about or was even somehow taken aback by them, I came all the time. I made myself cum…again, not their achievement, because I did the work on my own body, but I managed to cum.

So now tell me, how is this even possible? How is this a reflection of the quality of the sex you are having?

So I recently had an amazing night with a guy I am madly in love with, and I told him that the whole night we are not allowed to cum at all. Whenever we get close to it, we will slow down and calm down. Believe it or not, that was the most fantastic night so far. We had passionate, sensual, loving and amazing sex for 3 hours without cumming once, and I can not tell you how great that was. We were in the present moment the whole time, taking it all in, not trying to get anywhere, reach anything, but soaking in all the sensuality, all the passion, all the desire and giving it back to the other one. Without an agenda, a final destination, you can just be in the now fully present and not having to rush anywhere makes each and every moment that much sweeter.  It showed him how great sex can be just for the sake of sex, and not because you got to a final destination and you achieved a goal.

I highly recommend it to any couple out there to try this out once in a while.



(PS: We did have sex in the morning and did cum 😉 and that was good, too!)

I quit criticizing my body

Have you ever heard the rumors that models have low self-esteems and constantly criticize their bodies? Silly, huh? One would think that someone who looks perfect from the outside might be endlessly happy on the inside. But that’s certainly not true.

Looking back on my childhood pictures, I can totally see that others were right. I always thought I was fat in high school, and never understood how no one else could see this obvious truth besides me. Thanks to certain conditioning and wiring from our closest family members, we all have some very messed up way of thinking about ourselves, and I wasn’t left out of this little gift of humanity either. My mother made sure to drill it into me that if I didn’t watch what I eat and constantly obsessed about how much I consumed, then in no time I would become a fat beach whale and no one will ever like more, nor marry me. Well…. I might have paraphrased & exaggerated a bit, but you get my point.

So I was obsessed with how much I ate, and as every great teenager with an eating disorder, I made sure that I properly starved myself all day and night. Interestingly enough, the more I tried to lose weight, the more weight I seemed to gained. Then hitting rock bottom a few years into this masochistic habit, I gave up and I didn’t care anymore about my weight and body. Oh, well, actually, my biggest heartbreak of my life assisted me with this decision. Since my first love left me unexpectedly, I couldn’t look at food anymore and I lost so much weight, that my family was seriously thought I might had cancer. After that, being fat or skinny was the least of my worries.

Then other boyfriends came into the picture, and with them SEX also arrived into my life. With sex came nudity, and with nudity came awareness of the existence of ignorant manly opinions about certain body parts of women. I was around men enough to hear how they talk about women (although I gotta admit, women are not any better either, right ladies?! ) and thanks to that, I shifted the focus of my obsession from food to certain body parts. My boobs got the biggest limelight and also my vagina. They were too big, too unequal, too saggy, too big areola, too big nipples, too weird pussy, etc…

Any by too this or too that, I mean anything that didn’t look exactly like the body parts in porn movies. Since I didn’t get to walk around and check what’s under everyone’s clothes,  I had to get my information from other, “trusted” sources. 🙂

Then when I got tired o beating up myself for my intimate parts, I migrated up north to dissect the rest of my body. My belly button was a bit of an outie. Not sure when it came to my awareness that an outie is a horrible insult against society, and whoever has it should cover it up shamefully, but I remember how free I was before I knew about all these. Then I realized that my nose was humongous, my head was much bigger than the rest of the people on this Earth, and although my ears were too big –according to me, of course– I could hide that atrocity with my hair from the eye witnesses. My upper lip didn’t have that Angel’s touchy indent in the middle that everyone else happened to have, BUT me! Then my fingers were sausages, too short fingers, too robust palms. Not to mention the 11 lines between my eyebrows after I turned 20. Holy crap, could I obsess about them for hours after taking any photos of me?! My teeth weren’t perfect either. My butt was too small, too flat, too this, too that.  Can you believe I never wanted to wear a crop top, because of my belly button? How I didn’t want to get into the water because that would have required a bikini that I was not ready to wear, only because of that minimal excess tiny skin in the middle of my banging, 6 pack washboard abs, damn it. Can you imagine that I only wanted to have sex in the dark, and never let guys go down on me?
Good lord, how crazy  and self-critical can we be and how much fun I missed out on?

Yesterday at gymnastics class my 4 yr old (remember, FOUR!!!!) kept her sweater on and was uncomfortable the whole hour, but wouldn’t take it off for the love of her life. I asked her at home why she didn’t take it off and she said:
– Because my ARMPIT was showing in my leotard….
– And what’s wrong with armpits?- I Dared to ask.
– It sticks out (like a side boob) and has lines in it!!!! – answers a FOUR year old.
She is already self -conscious, but trust me, she didn’t get it from me. I have thankfully healed from this “not good enough” social plague already. There was a time when my distorted body image held me back from all the pleasures in life, but not anymore. I turned 30 when I realized what an idiot I had been for so long and consciously started accepting everything on my body, WITHOUT an exception. I showered ALL parts with loving acceptance and decided that no matter who says what, I am good the way I am.

My body has been such a loving, quite, accepting servant, vehicle for me from the very beginning. It takes me to places, it introduces me to delicious tastes, wonderful sights, warm, sweet smells, and soft touches and cuddles. It does whatever I tell it to do, and doesn’t complain when I abuse it. It houses me day and night, works very hard to heal itself when I mess it up with overworking it or not feeding it properly. It gifted me two beautiful and vibrant kids, grew them and brought them to this world, and fed them with itself for years.  It is doing it’s job without my supervision over it and never asks for anything in return. And I have been doing nothing for 30 years, but criticizing it and hating it for every little imperfection. Or at least, things I DEEMED as imperfections.

I said stop! It’s enough! It deserves something much better than that.

And I stood in front of the mirror, looked at it fully (I might or might not have been high at this time) and started noticing all the beauties of it. The long, beautiful hair, the pretty face, the mesmerizing ocean blue eyes, the long neck, the firm, toned arms, the flat belly with six-pack, the curves on my side, my perfect thighs, my toned calf muscles, my silky smooth skin, my fetish worthy feet and everything in between. And I fell in love with it. I became my biggest cheerleader, my greatest lover. And let me tell you, since then, I have had the greatest experiences of my life. I have experienced sex that’s just out of this world, tastes without guilt, the joy of movement and dance and art, and I wear that bikini now as if I had the most gorgeous belly button in this entire world.

I’m gonna keep doing this and I hope that not just my words, but my whole life will convince my little daughter that everything on her is perfect as it is, and she will be her own biggest admirer and cheerleader as well.

momy dau

Quitting to-do list

I love quitting, and since I’ve practiced it so much, I can rightfully say that I am a master at it by now. Yet, I still have so many things I would like to know how to quit.

These are the things I wish I could quit:

  • thinking it’s my fault and I did something wrong when someone doesn’t call me back for a second or third date.
  • creating horror stories in my mind when something doesn’t go the way I expected
  • eating meat (but that thing just taste too good, and I am too lazy to come up with new recipes)
  • not to see the negatives in people so early on in the game
  • seeking love, approval and understanding from other people, and give it to myself fully.
  • thinking that happiness is out there, a career, a thick bank account, a devoted lover or a long travel away. It isn’t.
  • obsessing about “knowing” and could just appreciate and focus on “being” instead.
  • Chocolate Hazelnut Milkshake from BurgerVille (but that shit is too addictive, and I’ll just have to endure the torture until it is finally off- season).
  • thinking that I am not a good enough mom, just because I don’t live up to the false, unrealistic image I’ve created in my head about good moms. Or thinking life would be better if I didn’t have kids. (because that’s not true…but I sure can convince myself often about it)
  • holding on so tight and just let everything go… let myself go…. let everything flow.
  • thinking….obsessing about certain thoughts.
  • Tinder ( it always comes back to my life, promising me the world, and leaving me empty and nauseated)
  • being so hard on myself sometimes
  • being afraid to speak up, ask for what’s mine.
  • doubting myself and my talents, skills.
  • staying up late at nights and waking up tired the next day. (that’s why I’m stopping now and going to bed!)


The list is not finished, but I quit in the middle …

Although I have my work cut out for me, and one will be harder than the other to accomplish, I am still hopeful that my quitting skills will get better and better with time, and I will be able to check off all of these bulletpoints on the list.

(Not sure about the milkshake though…. that probably has crack cocaine in it, and I am hopelessly weak against that.)


Quit the busyness of life

Have you noticed how busyness in this modern world became a thing to brag about? Every time I ask people how they are doing, the answer is ” I’m good but very busy. Just running around like a headless chicken.” And have you notice that most people are never busy enough to make sure that everyone around them knows how busy they are. They are posting it on social media, text it to friends and they talk about being busy all day long. As if being busy is a validation for their existence, their hard work in life and it qualifies them as a good, important citizen of the world. We have to be busy, or seem busy, to fool ourselves and others, that what we are indeed doing something important. So important that if we had stopped doing it, the whole world would collapse without our assistance.

In reality, most of us are just hiding behind this busyness. Hiding from our real feelings, our real pain and our own selves. Because if we had to slow down even for a day, silence our minds for a second, uncomfortable thoughts would pop up to the surface. Thoughts that are silenced with busyness on an average day. But in the silence they come up, full frontal to the surface, and we will have to hear them out, listen to them and deal with them. Acknowledge that they exist. And most of us are not ready to do that. So we bury ourselves in 16 hr work days, working out all day, growing a mile long to-do list, and at the end, drinking/smoking/etc so that we could handle the silence when alone.

I had two part time jobs and when I wasn’t buried in work, I had the kids to distract me from me. I did it while I could, but the beginning of this year I celebrated my birthday. January is my birth month and I did the unexpected. I looked at my finances and I realized that I don’t necessary HAVE TO work both jobs with full force, and I will still stay afloat somehow. I can take a break. I can give myself the luxury for a whole month to spend some time with myself and see what arises. After a little struggle from the mind, thinking ” but what are you gonna do? isn’t that too much of a luxury for you? how dare you being so lazy? (this thought came with my mom’s tone of voice 🙂 ) you are gonna be wasting your days when you could be earning money. blah, blah, blah”…

But I still did it. I cut my hours way back at my first job (that was stressing me out) and there I was, sitting face to face with me, myself and I with all that time on my hands.

At first I was struggling. Gosh, what am I gonna do? Funny how when I am very busy, I think I would do soooo many things if only I had time, but as soon as free time presents itself, I am lost and can’t think of one thing to do. Thankfully I didn’t have to think much, because as you know it, life is happening with or without your permission, and so it did in my case as well. Life was happening and I watched it happen, and after a deep breath, I even engaged in it wholeheartedly. I did everything it presented to me to do. I went on hikes, got a massage (haven’t had one in years), went to a sauna, I did yoga, I purged the whole house and got rid of so many things, I hung out with friends, went on walks, read books, went shopping for myself (which I haven’t done in months), started writing again, picked up pole dancing as an exercise and lived every moment as it came. I took every moment without judgement but let me tell you, it wasn’t easy. Judgment arises whether you like it or not, want it or not. It comes up. Self criticism, self hatred, in a form of ” you’ll never be enough if you don’t push hard, if you don’t work all the time, if you don’t make a lot of money, if you don’t figure out what you want to do in your life, time is ticking, quick, quick, hurry up, you gotta make something out of your life like yesterday.”

You know what? In reality, these thought were not new visitors. They were always there in the back of my mind, I was just too busy to notice them and to hear them out. And now that nothing was distracting me from them, I could hear them loud and clear.

So what am I gonna do with them? Believe all that they say and run back behind my cover of work and distraction? Hell no. No matter how much my habits and fears were screaming yes.

Instead I sat down with them, listened to them, heard them out and noticed them all. Then I stopped and asked if they were true? All the accusations, all the fear based concepts, all the threats of the mind…. turned out none of them were true. Turned out, all the hard wired, deeply drilled thoughts, concepts and “truths” were nothing but a lie. A lie I believed for 3 decades without questioning them once.

Once I discovered the true nature of my thoughts, ideas that were driving me crazy for so long, I gave permission to myself to just relax into being. Just relax into my body, my mind, my soul, my present moment, and stop future tripping about “what will be?” and thinking that I am in control of the whole universe. Instead I made my number 1 focus to do what seem, feels right to me. To listen to me more, to make myself a priority (which again, in today’s world, in mommyland, it is not a well-accepted idea) and by getting rid of soul and time sucking activities in my life, I provided the space and time for new ideas to pop up in my life. And they did. They had to. Something had to fill up the void that it created. And what a ride it has been. I am enjoying my days, I learnt to enjoy the art of non-doing, the gift of being, the listening, (to myself and others), the weightless being, the less panicking, and the more relaxing days.

There is life beyond busyness. Matter of fact, that’s where real life really starts.

So dare to “unbusy” yourself, and be brave enough to rest, relax, play and listen once in a while. It is worth it.

“It takes courage to say yes to rest & play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol.” (Brene Brown)


* The joy of Quitting *

Quitting has such a horrible rep. In today’s pushy, go-getter, neurotic society everyone is praising the stubborn, sweaty and masculine slogan that screams: KEEP GOING! NEVER GIVE UP!

How fucked up is that? REALLY???? Never give up? Are you out of your mind?

What if that thing I am so stubbornly not giving up is costing me my health? My wonderful relationships? My happiness? My sanity? My balance, my calm and ultimately my life? Should I just keep going on because at the end, supposedly there will be a reward waiting for me… something that will make me happy for ever, and ever?

Bullshit. The illusion of these fairy tales and action movies are over.

I’m saying: GIVE UP! Quit! Just do it! 🙂

And I’ll teach you how!

I am a master of QUITTING! I used to think that this was a handicap of mine, a weakness, a trait that I have to kill or at least overcome. Until I realized that there are no weaknesses, faults and negative traits, because everything is just a matter of context. Just like being stubborn might be a “weakness” when it comes to a popularity contest, but it serves you well when you believe in an idea and you actually manifest it and you make your big bux off of it. And so on and so on….and the same is true for QUITTING! It was my “weakness” for 35 years, or so I thought. I had many great ideas, but I never stuck with any of them, because…. well…. I was just too good at this Quitting thing after all. I had my PhD in it. Until I gave up the notion of beating myself up for it and started celebrating this trait in myself as if it was an amazing part of me.

And guess what?!

As it turns out, it is an amazing thing indeed! Being able to quit has saved me from spending my whole life in a sexless, lifeless, suffocating, lonely marriage of mine, has saved my sanity when it came to quitting a soul-sucking job that drained my energy on a daily basis, has prevented me to go into very bad relationships because I could quit them early on, and every day lately I see more and more benefits to my “weakness” and more and more reasons to celebrate it.

So join me on this journey of quitting and let’s celebrate ourselves as we are. QUIT blaming and torturing ourselves for what we are, and instead let’s learn the joy of quitting… there is sooooo many amazing things are waiting for us to be quit! Let’s not waste time holding onto them any longer! 🙂