To be honest, I just need a platform to record my 6th ayahuasca experience that I had just recently. If you don’t know what Ayahuasca is, I won’t go into details, you’ll find lots of information on it online, but the short explanation is that it is an Amazonian tea/brew that is made of 2 specific vines, and contains DMT and some other things that help your body digest it and process it, instead of just eliminating it. Basically it is a psychedelic drink that is not so pleasant tasting and the effects are definitely not party enhancers, because even though you’ll see many out of this world, colorful and mindblowing visuals and you’ll feel things in your body that you’ve never felt before…you will most likely cry a shit ton, and vomit like an erupting volcano. So this is not some kinda party drug like ecstasy or LSD, but a healing substance that dives deep down into your subconscious, digs up things that you didn’t even know you buried there, makes you face your dark sides and helps you heal from it with lots of love and kindness. Mother Ayahuasca lives in this plant and while it is loving, and often times gentle with you, she is also a tough love kinda mother, who knows what’s best for you and will help you walk through it for your own good.
It’s been a while since I’ve last encountered her, so I thought it was time to pay her another visit and get my healing on. I’m not new to this, so I kinda knew what to expect, but I was also aware that you can never know what’s about to hit you. So I went in with an open heart and mind and what happened was definitely more than what I bargained for. Generally speaking I also cry some then I also laugh some as well at ceremonies, and maybe at the end or the very beginning I throw up a little, but it is always a controllable, doable, lady-like amount, nothing major.
This time I went into the ceremony with a headache. Oh, well, I was hoping once the medicine starts working its magic, it will go away. And it sure did. The shaman brought us our drinks and I drank it and I was waiting for it to kick in. It was quick. 30 min into it I felt my whole body buzzing. It started with my head as the medicine poured through my veins all over my neck and head and it started tingling and buzzing like an electrical current. It took away my headache, then it continued effecting me throughout my whole body. The feeling was familiar, and I enjoyed knowing that the medicine has started its work in me. But the nausea was getting stronger and stronger, so I got up like a lady and went to the bathroom and I threw up the dark substance I ingested an hour ago. I went back to my bed as if I had done my part well and ready for the ride. The first song came on and it quickly teleported me into heaven. It was truly magical, the feeling and the visuals, but what was even more amazing is that I felt like I have left my body somewhere behind, all the stories and personalities that belonged to “me”, and even my breathing has stopped, or so I felt like, and I experienced the truly blissful, thoughtless, quiet and effortless being….would wanna say “state of mind” but there was no mind there….there was nothing there….the beautiful nothing. Just light. And no movement, just calm peace. It was heaven. I didn’t want to leave. And then a shaman asked me if I was in the medicine and I wished he hadn’t interrupted my blissful experience and didn’t bring me back to this body and talking and all that humanly nonsense. The second song came on (which was a native american drumming wisdom song as it turned out) but all I felt was darkness creeping up through my feet and washed over my entire body and I started breathing heavily, yawning, my body was heavy, it was dark, painful, cold and I didn’t want to be there. It was so bad. I felt like I was up in heaven and fell down to hell in a matter of seconds. I was wrestling with my thoughts, I wanted to make sense of it all without any success, and all I wanted was to make it stop. I didn’t like it one bit. I felt so lonely, so lost and cold, and all I wanted was some warmth and light. When it ended, I told the shaman that it was a rough change and I would like to go back to heaven because this was just too heavy. My nausea has gotten stronger, and my friend told me to puke into the bucket, to which I quickly replied: That’s bullshit, only weak people throw up in buckets, that’s not my style. 🙂
Then I lied back to my blanket and as the next song came on, something from within moved me and in the next moment I found myself head down in the bucket throwing up like no one’s business. (and the worst part is: my hair wasn’t tied back). Then I started giggling to myself while I was puking my guts out that maybe I shouldn’t make such cocky and stupid sentences anymore, because Mother will teach me the lesson. 🙂 I threw up more than I ever have, and it was so bad. I was not feeling good physically at all. I knew I was in a safe environment and they didn’t mind, but I was losing control of my senses, my motor skills, my body. Just a lot of purging that was happening, and then I even lost the bucket in the middle of a song and I felt so bad about pouring out my vomit. But I couldn’t control it. Thankfully the shaman is so great, and reassuring and said that it is all OK, and don’t worry about it, it is cleansing me and doing its job, and just attended to me as best as he could. He brought me tissues and let me lay down on his lap while he was grounding me and calming me down. I kept saying that I am so tired of being a human, and this human existence is too much for me, and I need a break from it. Somehow I always need a lot of human touch when I am on ayahuasca. I am always highly aware of how much I am deprived of a human touch and how much my body is craving it. Then the songs were taking me to all kinds of places and the whole time my mind was arguing with itself. It felt like there was this side of the mind that was so explosive, and grand and amazingly happy in this outer world that has no rules, no structure, no rational explanation, and it enjoyed itself there….and then came the left side of my brain, felt like my EGO, constantly popping back online and looking around and asking questions like: “What the hell is this? How is this possible? Is this real life? What’s the explanation to this? I am so out of place and even though I am trying my best to make some sense of it all, I can’t and it makes me feel so freaking lost.”
And I felt that that was my whole life portrayed to me right there and then. The constant struggle of just going with the flow of life, enjoying its bliss and not trying to explain it all, just being part of it …. AND….. the other part of me that wants to always explain everything, make sense of everything, rationalize everything and put things into little boxes and drawers. But you can’t!!!!! Life is so much bigger and more mysterious than we will ever know or be able to comprehend. Life is a beautiful, magical happening that no one has ever been able to understand, let alone put it into words. I realized how grandiose life is, and words reduce every experience into such small spectrum that it is not even close to the real thing anymore. Like when I told the shaman at the end of the ceremony how much I appreciated him and how thankful I was for him and his service….those words were nowhere near to the feeling that was inside of me. The erupting gratitude towards him inside of my heart and my whole body. These things can not be reduced into words.
So while I was struggling on the couch with the two sides of my brain (again, who the hell was the “I” that was struggling?!?!!!? It’s more like I was aware of the struggle that was going on inside of me, but when I looked inside for answers, I just couldn’t find a “ME” in there who would provide these answers. There was no “me” in it) I decided to go into my bed in the room and continue my crying there. I cried over the fact that the side of me that was always trying to make sense of things was defeated and had to surrender, but surrender didn’t come easy. I had to mourn it all. And I was COLD. SOOOOOOO cold, nothing could warm me up. I kept telling the shaman that I wish he brought some fire inside of the room, because I need fire. Then I asked for his hands, and I laid my head on his hand, so that I could comfort myself with it. It helped. I calmed down. I had many blankets and comforters on me, but I was cold on the inside. I knew no amount of blankets will do the job, because it was coming from within. I was restless. I was beating myself up for everything. For over analyzing things, for not being able to relax, for being just like my daughter even though I always scold her for her excess energies and restlessness, and for every possible thing… I was so hard on myself. And bitter. And that’s when the shaman told me: “Just relax. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are only human. You are doing the best you can. Just relax.”
And it clicked. He left the room and went back to music making and I started petting my face, my hair and showing gratitude and gentle kindness towards myself. I told myself that I loved myself, and I was doing OK,( I had smooth hair, I noticed) and whatever happens, happens, just surrender to it and don’t be so hard on yourself. Just love yourself, no more beating yourself up for not understanding something that was not meant to be understood. I’m only human (as of now) and these are my natural boundaries, learn to accept them and surrender to the unknown, meanwhile just LOVE this person I call me, don’t be so against it and so hard on it.
And I did it! I surrendered to whatever it is, to life, to the flow, to the mystical, to the unknown, to myself, and I gave up the fight.
As soon as I did that, I felt warmth entering my body through my feet (just like I felt the darkness initially through my feet as well at the beginning) and it washed over my whole body and lit a fire inside of my heart. I was on fire. I was so hot in a matter of seconds, I started sweating. The excruciating coldness I was battling for hours was gone, and instead I had the fire (that I was craving and searching for) inside of me. I have found it finally!!!!! I kept looking for it on the outside, but it had to be born on the inside instead. So with this renewed fire on the inside I left my bed,and I felt ready to join the outside world and the music. I felt so great out there, warm and toasty and calm and quiet.
The ceremony soon was about to end and I was ready. I went full circle with all the purging, cleansing, crying (oh, sooooo much crying) and surrendering just to find the fire inside of me that I have always been searching for. Then as soon as I went outside, there it was: the fire in the fireplace that I thought I was looking for. Thank God I didn’t find it earlier, because now I know that I didn’t need it at all. I had it inside of me and it will last much longer than any outside fire ever could.
I don’t know what it all means. I don’t know if I should interpret this experience in any way or not, but what I know is that since then I have been feeling much lighter, cleaner, more at peace with life and feeling more love inside of me towards everything that surrounds me. And it is good. I don’t have to understand it in order to feel it. And I need to feel more,(MUCH MORE!) and think less. MUCH LESS!